The Dastardly Adventures of Bard, the Disgruntled Elf: Part I

There is said to be a place of great joy where reindeer trod and elves create toys.
A spot on the map when normal becomes whimsy and Santa slides down chimneys.
Our story today is of a very disgruntled Elf who is neither a baker nor sits on a shelf.
He makes toys as the rest of them do but weary he grows, oh, what will he do?

Business as usual in the North Pole. Santa’s shop is running at full steam. Elves are decked from head to toe in cheer hurrying about their work. Laughter resounds through the wooden hallways. Everywhere he walks he hears Elves screeching and squealing about the “big day.” It drives him batty. Call ’em weird but he’s one of the very few Elves who isn’t as elated as the rest of his fellow pointy-eared folk.

Crazy, right? An Elf who doesn’t like Christmas? Look, if you had been doing the same job for 2,000 consecutive years, you’d want a change of scenery too. It’s not that he hates Christmas, it’s just the process that really weighs him down. Every year it’s the same ‘ole shindig: Create the toys, build the toys, pack the toys, start over. There’s no variation. Even the cookies taste the same!

Bard had received a reputation in recent years for producing less than the Christmas quota mandated. He had become equally skilled in creating excuses that preyed upon the youthful ignorance of his peers. You would reckon him a genius but it isn’t hard to fool a smiling “yes-elf” who’s only motivation in life is to have the fat man look his way.

2,000 years of service created tenure as with any “normal” job. Bard became a floor supervisor about 500 years ago and his patience started to wear thin shortly after. There wasn’t much that excited Bard anymore until he came up with a dastardly plan.

“Hot Cocoa, Bard?” A gleeful, child-Elf inquired.


“Ok, Bard. Sugar cookie, Bard?” This time the request came a little more enthusiastic than before.

“No.” He rolled his eyes so hard he saw stars.

“Alrighty, Bard. Candy cane, Bard?”

He had been “reviewing” the policies and procedures manual but was now looking down his nose directly at his visitor. He stood in the doorway, no taller than 2 foot 3, carrying a tray as wide as the door frame stacked with Christmas related goodies.

“Can’t you see that I’m working?”

“Sure thing, Bard! Noticed it when I walked in the door!” The Elf stood there gleaming, obviously not taking the hint.

“If I take something off of your tray, will you leave me alone?”

“Yepp Yepp, Bard! I’ll be gone quick as a flash!”

He motioned for the tray and surveyed what it carried. It was your typical spread: Candy canes, sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies, toffee, fudge. Pretty much everything that could give you a set of rotting teeth and diabetes. It’s a miracle that Bard had escaped both. There wasn’t anything on this tray that he had wanted in a couple of hundred years. Reluctantly, he reached for a sugar cookie.

He set it down on his desk and went back to “reviewing.” A few minutes had passed but he still felt like there was an annoying presence floating nearby. Looking up from his manual, he saw the young elf still standing in the doorway grinning from ear to ear and hyperventilating with excitement.

“Can I help you?”

“Uh, yeah, sure, Bard. Aren’t you gonna eat the cookie, Bard?”

“I planned on it, yes.”

“Like, right now, right Bard?”

“Please stop saying my name.”

“Sure thing, Bard. How about that cookie?”

“You’re quite invested in this cookie, aren’t you?”

“Made it myself!” You could see a twinkle appear in his eyes when he mentioned this.

Seeing as to how the only way Bard was going to get rid of this pesky Elf was to eat the cookie, he took a bite.

It was a brick. Tasted like one too.

Bard tried with all of his willpower to force out a smile as the piece of concrete slid down his throat.

“Couldn’t have made it better myself.” Sarcasm was Bard’s second language.

“Another one?!” The young elf almost jumped through the wall.

“Please, I’ve had enough for today. I need to get back to work. Maybe later.”

“Sure thing, Bard. I’ll come back later, Bard! Bye, Bard!”

“Stop saying my name!”

It was too late, the young Elf had disappeared down the steps and back into the fray of chaos on the production floor. Bard swept the crumbs off of his trousers, tossed the rest of the industrial metal posing as a cookie into the trash, and got back to his “reviewing.”

Unbeknownst to most, he wasn’t reviewing the policies and procedures manual. What he was actually studying was his master plan at breaking out of the North Pole by stealing Santa’s sleigh.

*Record scratch*

Steal Santa’s Sleigh?

Oh, yeah.

To make things even more intense, he was going to do it the day before Christmas Eve. You know, so Santa could have enough time to figure out an alternative for delivering the toys? Bard may not be the nicest Elf but he certainly wasn’t a monster.

The difficult part about such a heist is literally every aspect of such a heist. There’s nothing easy about stealing Santa’s sleigh. For Frosty’s sake, you’re in the middle of the North Pole trying to acquiesce only the most beloved mode of transportation outside of a bike.

Inside of his folder was the minute by minute, action by action, plan for successfully attaining his carriage to freedom. He held it close all day long and through the night. He couldn’t afford anyone getting a hold of these plans.

If he actually managed to pull it off he would become one of the most hated elves in all of the elvendom. At this point, Bard didn’t care about that. He wanted his freedom and he was willing to risk his reputation for it.

A few hours had passed when he realized that the floor had gone quiet. Contrary to popular belief, elves do take breaks and they do go home for the evenings. Even mythical creatures have OSHA.

He quickly packed up his things, slipped his “manual” underneath his arm, shut his door, and left for home. As he was walking out, he didn’t notice that a solitary piece of paper fell from his folder and landed neatly on the production floor. Bard also didn’t notice that another Elf carrying a tray full of goodies picked it up and took it with him.

Hey, y’all!

I really hope that you enjoyed the first part of this new story that I’m telling. This is definitely a stretching project as I am not used to creating worlds within the mythology of Santa Claus. I hope I’m doing it justice.

Let me know what you thought in the comments below and be sure to keep an eye out for the next chapter!

You are loved.

You are valued.

10 Replies to “The Dastardly Adventures of Bard, the Disgruntled Elf: Part I”

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