Confessions

It’s what I thought I didn’t have.

And it’s fitting that “New Perspective” by Noah Kahan is circulating through the confines of my dark “office” closet. Time has a funny way of shifting one’s outlook on life.

I won’t let you believe that my thought process has gone without challenge. I can tell you how I have been encouraged to think differently. I have been reminded and rebuked. I’ve been loved well through the mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges I’ve encountered. Why didn’t anything change?

Looking back, a lot has changed, but it wasn’t fast enough. Not for me, not for some around me. If I’m honest, I believed it wasn’t fast enough for God, either. Spin that bottle, my friend. Who were we going to disappoint that day?

Malicious Irony

The twisted and sick nature of depression is it isolates you. It robs you of the breath you need to keep moving forward. Ironically, it reminds you that you must keep moving forward to survive. It’s not gentle, though. Depression’s way of motivation is accusatory. Mocking. Reviling.

It laughs at you when you’re suffocating in the mud. It turns off the light in a room full of bear traps, shuts the door, and throws away the key. If you manage to escape from the room, it will push you over as you regain your bearings.

New Perspective

I have, fortunately, experienced long seasons of peace over the last decade. That is something not many can say, and I don’t take that for granted. I will elaborate on the how’s and why’s another time. For now, it’s enough to say that the age-old specter in my mind took a back seat. Until recently…

I had found a place to fulfill my purpose. I had found a community that invested in and loved my young family well. I had found an environment that I could the same. Shortly before Christmas, that was all taken from us in the span of two days. A home, a community, a job ripped from us through betrayal. We were forced to leave. I felt the steady creeping presence of an old friend moving through the halls of my heart.

Through the last six months, my newfound “peace” has been challenged. In that challenging, though, God has shown me a new perspective that still allows me (us) to hurt and heal.

Every painstaking day, every excruciating breath, every mental spiral, every imaginary argument is not what it seems. This reality is not indicative of a losing fight. Rather, these painful days exist for a reason. These impossible breaths offer a chance to find a deeper meaning of living.

A Fighting Chance

Our struggle can be a fresh reminder that we still have a fighting chance. You feel beaten, but are you truly? You feel breathless, but stop right now and take a breath. It’s OK if it isn’t deep. Were you able to? No matter how big or small, that is proof that you aren’t finished yet.

Every day our eyes open is an opportunity for us to find forgiveness. To find redemption. To apologize. To love. To show the world that mental health disorders don’t have to define us. We can show the world around us that medication does not define us. That medical terminology is not a death-sentence. It’s an opportunity for us to show ourselves that we don’t have to be held captive. That we are stronger than anyone knows.

Every tiny step we take is a reminder that we are still alive. So long as we’re still alive, we still have a chance.

You still have a chance.

I can’t tell you what to do to change your situation. Yet, I can remind you that there’s a God who sees you. There’s a God who’s experienced the pain you’re experiencing. There’s a God who hasn’t given up on you even if you have.

I’m not coming to you today as someone who has overcome every bad day. I have not conquered every broken thought and desire for revenge and restitution. I am coming to you, though, as someone who has lived through hell. I decided to keep taking one small step forward. I did so sometimes because the people around me made me. I didn’t know when, or if, it would ever change. I didn’t have to. I just needed to make a decision.You just need to make a decision.

Today. Right now. With your next breath – remind yourself that you’re still here and until that changes, there’s hope. Your life is not over. It doesn’t have to be. You don’t even need to completely believe this in order for it to be effective. Truth is not affected by how we feel. Forgiveness can come. Healing can come. The sun can peak through the clouds again.

You have a fighting chance. I have a fighting chance. The person you love has a fighting chance. Our world still has a fighting chance. And it starts with you and I making a small decision to take the next best step forward…even if it’s a small one.

What’s your story? What have you overcome today? Leave a comment below and let’s walk this path together.

You are loved.

You are valued.