Confessions

My mom shares a lot of videos on her Facebook page, but this specific one caught my attention. It was the graduation video she made for me when I finished my time in high school (14 years ago!!)

I remembered some of the pictures. There were those I had forgotten about. These were moments buried in time. Fleeting memories shrouded in pain.

My high school and early adult years, like for so many others, were confusing. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know who I was supposed to become. I was surrounded by immensely more attractive, humorous, and “put together” people than I was. Naturally, I tried to become like them. The harder I tried, the worse it became.

I was bullied. I was labeled obnoxious. I had very few friends. During these formative years, an identity was born within me – I was not enough.

I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t funny enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t __________ enough.

Add to that the pain that I caused others in the midst of my “identity crisis”. I won’t blame my mistakes on anything, or anyone, other than myself. I take responsibility for my failures. The existence of my sins left me drowning even deeper in this chaotic version of me.

Filthy, little liar that identity was. Yet, I kept it close. It crawled and crept its way through every nook and cranny of my soul. I wasn’t good enough for other people. I wasn’t good enough for myself. I believed the lie that God didn’t want me either. These stories I would tell myself subsided for a time. I’ve been haunted though, recently. So, I come to you now for both of our sake’s.

Does this sound familiar? Your story doesn’t have to look like mine. I have a feeling that I am not the only one wrestling. How do we shake what was done to us? How do we shake what we’ve done to others? How do we move on?

It’s a simple answer, but it’s not a simple process. We have to forgive.

Psychology Today defines forgiveness as, “the release of resentment or anger.” I would add a subtle change to their definition. Forgiveness is the process of releasing resentment or anger.

Forgiveness is not a one time choice. We must make the choice once, yes. However, the unspoken reality is that we will have to continue making the choice until the pain heals.

That is the crux of our healing journey. It’s the hinge upon which our souls must swing. We must be willing to look at the situations we’ve experienced. We must continue choosing something greater than ourselves. That’s what heroes are made of.

And forgiveness is truly greater than ourselves. It calls us to a higher standard of love – a Godly one. It begs us to look beyond ourselves and recognize our past doesn’t have to define our current moment. Our past is meant to be learned from, not lived in.

There are many things that forgiveness is and isn’t. I want to spend more time diving into this with you. For now, though, honesty is the only place you and I can start. Here are a few questions that you and I can consider:

1. What has been done to us that we struggle to let go of? What have I done to others that I won’t forgive myself for?
2. What’s holding me back from choosing forgiveness?
3. Is forgiveness something I’m willing to pursue?

The best way to do this is together. How can I listen to you? Tell me your story. matthew.bmalin@gmail.com.

You are loved.

You are valued.

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