Love is not a Victory March

If you have ever loved then you know what it feels like to hurt. Isn’t that the epitome of love? I mean in what case has someone ever said “I love you” (while truly meaning it…looking at you 13 year olds) and not subjugated themselves to the pain of rejection, hatred, or unforgiveness?

Love can be an entirely cruel thing and it seems that not many people truly understand it, myself included. I’ve grown up in a home where love has been at the forefront of motivation. My parents loved each other so they got married, they loved the thought of having children so they had us, and they loved us so much that they did anything and everything they could to give us the best we could have. Even after they raised all four of us, they looked upon the helpless and the hurting, loved them more than words can describe, and now I have two adopted siblings. That’s love…right?

We were taught growing up that Jesus is love. He selflessly sacrificed himself on a cross, to a death that He did not deserve so that we could have a relationship with God…That is love……right?

Despite my roots, my knowledge, and my beliefs, the world has shown me an ugly disposition pretending itself to be “love”.  It resides in an environment that consists of cruel tricks, puppets dangling from strings, and shady bartenders offering up the latest batch of “what could possibly go wrong?”

This isn’t the world that I grew up in

All I have experienced in this sick and twisted reality are games played upon heartstrings, words falling on deaf ears, and motivations that could cause the dead to roll in their graves. All I have seen in this hell are lies and it makes my heart sad…It makes my heart hurt…It makes me wish that I would’ve been more careful when I began perusing about the idea of love on my own. What’s even more sad is that I myself have fallen prey to it’s wiles.

I admit that I haven’t been perfect in this roundabout game. I admit that while I may have had good intentions my expectations were a little too far off. Or were they?

I mean, is it too much to expect that someone say what they mean and mean what they say? Is it too much to ask that someone be genuine in their approach to other people? I’m no fool to simply expect love to be easy and mistake free but it seems that Im the fool for believing there was hope…Hope that someone, just maybe one person, would come along and tell me the truth.

But apparently I’m not even worth that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I believe that the love I was shown and am being shown (by my family) exists…I know it does…I guess its just not as easy to find as I thought…Makes you more aware of the blessings that you already have doesn’t it?

Jesus hold me now.

Baby Ive been here before

I know this room and Ive walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew ya

I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Leonard Cohen

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