There have been many days in the last few months that I’ve pondered my future. I think about where and what I will be doing in ten years, how I got there, and more often who I will be with. You see though, that’s the kicker. I think I’ve come to a point in my life where I’m beginning to believe that I won’t be with anyone.
If you were to have known me for the majority of my life you would understand that marriage was always the end goal. Sure, I wanted to be a pastor (still do) and have a career but I found no value in any of that if there wasn’t a woman by my side for it. I kind of spent my entire life placing marriage on a pedestal of holiness. A lot of times getting married and finding the “right one” was much more important to my naive brain than God was. Over the past few years I’ve experienced nothing short of heartbreak in this realm and it’s simply brought me to a point in my life where I have no hope or faith in the idea.
Love is supposed to be a beautifully messy part of life. Emphasis on both the “beautifully” and “messy”. For some reason I have yet to see the beautiful side to it. For so long I had so much trust in the idea of man+woman= complete happiness. Now, it’s just a flickering thought in the past overwhelmed by the aurora of my cynical nature. I honestly have to say that I have no faith in the concept of love (coming from a human’s standpoint).I must put a disclaimer here that I am only speaking of love outside of the family. My only lingering hope in the idea of love comes from what I know about God and what my family shows me. With that said, for so long I’ve heard those words escape the mouth but the person’s actions screamed everything except. My trust is broken and I sincerely apologize to anyone who ever does try to love me unconditionally because of that. Some things in life are just hard to come by I suppose.
But I don’t take all of this with a grain of salt. I fully believe my circumstances have brought out the sheer importance of my relationship with God above all other things. My only satisfaction is in him. Nothing on this earth can satisfy me as He does so why should I try? I honestly believe that this truth is the driving force behind my being ok with being single.
Does that mean I don’t ever want to experience life with someone I love unconditionally? Not at all. It just means that through the pain of loss Ive come to realize that there is so much more to this life. If I ever do get the blessing of saying “I do” I will know exactly who paved the way for me to get there. I thank God for the pain, the suffering, but most importantly for His faithfulness in never letting me down.