I want to spend tonight’s blog being really open and really honest with you. If you’re not into that kind of a thing or into introspective blog posts you may want to stop reading because it’s about to get real.
I’m a high strung kind of person. Some people have called me passionate. Others have called me eccentric. Others label me intense. I accept all of these adjectives pertaining to my personality. I am very passionate, eccentric, and intense. With such traits come the negative and positive aspects of life. I can positively pour my all into someone or something at the drop of a hat. If you happen to be someone in my life that I care about, I will try and show you that with all of my power. I’ve felt the sting of love lost and I hate to see others experience such pain. On a negative note I pour all of myself into anything I can with no regard to any consequences. I’ve spent many a day recovering from broken trust and a broken heart due to my lack of security walls. Because of this I developed this overstimulating urge for perfection…More so in myself but also in the people around me.
I hate failing. I loathe letting people down. When I do such a thing (and I do them often) I tend to place myself in a box of shame. I spend days, sometimes weeks, beating myself up because I fell short of my own expectations. I have a horrific problem: I want to be perfect. Regardless of religious preference I think we can all agree that none of us will ever amass such a level of prestige. So why do I hold so tightly to it? Why do I destroy myself when God says “I’ve taken care of it.”?
Pride? Selfishness? Conceit?
One thing I’ve learned from taking tests is that if there’s an option for “All of the above”, that’s typically the bubble you want to fill in. Same goes in this situation. My problem rests in the heart of my sinfulness; my pride. Recently I experienced yet another lesson of life. It was hard. I made decisions and I am now having to pay the consequences for those actions. Believe me, upon hearing of how I failed, I willingly sprinted into my little beat up session. Weeks of inner kicking commenced.
“How could you have been so stupid?”
“Why did you not notice this sooner?” “
Why can’t you just do something right for once?”
My psyche has taken an absolute beating over the short twenty-two years of my life. That’s honestly no one’s fault but my own. I all too easily let the devil in my head. I have an awful view of myself before God and I think I have a terrible perspective of my Savior. Yes, I know all of the Sunday school answers. Yes, I know He loves and forgives me but even amidst preaching this a million times, I fail to see that He is my loving, patient, and forgiving Father. Nothing I will ever do can take that away. People may change their opinions about me but my God sees me as His son.
I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I have every question in the book answered. I’m not even quite sure how I can break this pattern of beating myself up (Other than just stopping?). What I will do is this…Accept that I’m not perfect and I never will be. I will make mistakes, some small and some very large. When those times arise I will do everything I can to right the wrong I have done. I will try and better see myself as God sees me (Made righteous under His sacrificial love). When I fall on my face I will, under the grace of God, get back up and keep running. And as a man I will accept whatever consequence comes because of my actions.
There’s also one thing I can do right now (If you’re reading this and find yourself in the same pair of shoes you should try this too..). I’m going to stop pushing myself to be perfect and ultimately stop expecting other people to be stainless as well. This is an unhealthy expectation and one that will never be attained. It is also unfair for me to expect out of people that which I cannot do myself.
The beautiful thing about life is that we are defined by what we do in the hard times and how we handle our mistakes. I don’t want to spend my life hiding in shame because I’m not the ultimate specimen I so desire to be. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect so why should I?
I am nothing but stained glass; Beautiful only because of the artist’s sovereign hand.