It takes two to tango
I would certainly be amiss if I continued to write about my depression and only showed you the negative side of things. It is very easy to fall into a bout of depression and only focus on the dark side of our proverbial moon. I mean what’s good when everything seems so bleak? On top of this notion, my personality tends to focus on the realism of reality. I don’t fancy myself a pessimist or an optimist…I only exist in the valid. Having that knowledge of life makes it difficult to sometimes see the bright side of things.
Well, not tonight.
I’ve really been doing a lot of structuring with Confessions lately and I believe I’m going to be spending Monday nights focusing on Mental Health. While other days may experience a lap over (depending on the events of the day) Monday will still be dedicated to education, information, and proclamation for this disease. To start off Mental Health Mondays I want to give you an update on what God has been doing in my heart and mind with my struggle.
As most of you know Depression and Anxiety has been an ongoing battle for about four years now (Only recently has it intensified). I was very lonely, raging mad, but all the while lethargic to my surroundings. Thankfully, after almost a year of this God gave me the Grace to forgive the people who had wronged me; thus beginning my road to recovery. Unfortunately they were not the last people on the list to ever wrong me in an emotional way. Over the course of the next four years I encountered numerous heartbreaks and pitfalls. I wondered if I would ever see the end of it.
Counseling began in the late Spring of this year and I was able to confront a lot of the lies I had been told and believed. I saw that I wasn’t as innocent in some of these encounters as I thought I was. I also was able to grasp a hold of the truth that God is faithful. My breaking point in counseling came at this thought. I was in the middle of describing some pain I had held onto that occurred at the expense of my family when it hit me. There were a group of men singing the words “You are faithful, God, you are faithful” in the room next to me and I immediately broke into tears. I finally realized that whether there was an end to the heartbreak or not my God would take care of me.
So, counseling ended and I set out towards the Summer in hopes of finding emotional healing. I was looking forward to an empty campus and time to finally process all that has happened recently. I can actually tell you that God has provided more than I could ever have asked for in terms of healing. I’ve spent many a weekend/week traveling (I love it) to areas around the southeastern region of the United States. All of those places contained some portion of my wonderful family. I’ve been blessed to have seen the gorgeous mountaintops, chased Air Force Jets around a massive lake on a jet ski, and ridden numerous death machines called “rollercoasters” with loved ones. I’ve been able to separate myself from the pain that was once so near to my heart. God has indeed been faithful to me.
I can’t write this and pretend that I’m perfect or that I’m special in any sort of way. I’m just a jacked up twenty two year old with a pride complex. I think far too highly of myself far too often. I can’t write this and pretend that I have all of the answers. Just because I’m in Bible college doesn’t mean I know any more about God and life than somebody else. I’m just a nobody trying to tell the world about Somebody.
Do you remember what I originally wrote at the beginning of this post? If not, scroll back up real quick..I’ll wait……..Ok, glad you’re back. 🙂 I firmly believe that it indeed does take two to tango. In my equation though God does it all. When I try and take matters into my own hands I flub up, step on some toes, and overall get off beat. Thankfully, God doesn’t depend on how good I am or how fancy I can be. He is who He is and He will never change.
So, there it is my friends. I recognize that not all of us have the same beliefs and regardless of that, I welcome you to this blog. I so desire for this to be an open refuge for those who are hurting. I just know that I would be entirely wrong if I wasn’t making people aware of the hope beyond my hurting. He is the strength that pushes me through everyday and I hope that you can find His hope too.
Thanks so much for reading!
God bless you!