This Heart of Mine is a Broken Shell

I’ve spent the majority of my life vying for the attention of a girl. I’ve spent days, weeks, months, and years waiting for you to finally look my way. I’ve always been told that you existed and that you would show up at the right moment. Now I feel as though I’ve been lied to…Oddly enough, I’m ok with that.

I think saying having an unquenchable desire for a wife is understatement for me. I think it’s always been a priority in my heart. Even as a little tike in third grade I tried begging the prettiest girl in class to like me…She never did *insert sad face*. I’ve been “dating” since I was 16 and none of those relationships ever worked out. Some ended smoothly, others not so much. Despite rejection and failure I was not to be deterred from finding my “only one”.

I guess you could say that I just couldn’t see my life without having someone by my side for the rest of my life. I was in a rush. Now I wish I hadn’t wasted all of my time.

Let’s just say that a bad relationship ended in the early months of this year and it broke me. I can’t even begin to think of having a relationship without slipping into a panic attack. I can’t even imagine myself having a girlfriend or a wife without feeling a massive weight on my heart screaming “Run”. When I say it broke me I literally mean it. It shattered any perspective I had left of the scheme of love.

I took the summer to heal and practice forgiveness. In the midst of my spiritual journey I ended up falling in love. Crazy right? Like, what just happened to the above statement? Well, I fell in love with being independent.

I came across the mindset that now is the time to live my life. Why spend all of my days yearning after something when all I’m experiencing is heartbreak and stress? Why waste the last year of my college career distracted when I could be spending time investing in memories with my best friends?

Look, I’m not saying relationships are bad and that I never want one again. I can only imagine that one day the Lord might have a girl walk into my life who will make me lose my breath. Have I met her yet? I don’t think so. Why should I care so much?

Honestly, I fully believe that I’ve come to a place of contentment with the Lord, with who I am, and with being single. (As selfish as this will sound it’s true) I absolutely love being able to come and go. I adore being able to spend all day doing random stuff with my friends. I love being able to just decide to play hide and seek in a cemetery (after dark) and traipse through a long underground tunnel. These are the times I will never get back. One day I will never get a chance to do these things again. Why waste it?

Yes, there are days where I think that a relationship would be nice. I would love to have someone so close to share life with. The majority of my days, though, are spent enjoying my life as it is. I’m not ready to give this up. I’m not ready to settle down.

It’s not just a whimsical thought either. This is my conviction. I just want to live my life as best I can while I can.

Please know that I’m not saying that relationships deter living life. I’m not saying that they are bad things. If you’re in a relationship and loving life, congratulations! I’m legitimately happy for you; it’s just not the life I want to live right now.

I’m happy where I am.

I’m happy with who God is making me.

I don’t need a woman to validate me as a man.

One day I will watch my beautiful bride walk down the aisle…

It’s just not today or tomorrow.

I’m ok with that.

4 Replies to “This Heart of Mine is a Broken Shell”

  1. i love this. i’m not one to spout out advice, though i think i’ve given some to you a time or two, but i’m going to today. your heartbreak will make you a better husband. so be grateful for it. matty, my dear, you will never ever be this young again. love and marriage are incredible…but so is youth. i wish i wouldn’t have been in such a rush. my hubby is the one, there’s no doubt about that, but i just wish i didn’t wish my twenties away. i wish i would have enjoyed them instead. i wanted to graduate, and I wanted a job, and i wanted to get married, and i wanted babies. all of that will come. it will. this is why i love this post so much. take this perspective and hold on to it. enjoy your twenties because no matter how you resist, the weight of your thirties is coming. ahhh youth…it’s wasted on the young.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. i don’t have regrets…but if i could go back…i would live it up. that’s what i want for you. take it from this old lady, the days are long but the years fly by. ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

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