I feel stuck.
At the same time I feel like I’ve been moving forward.
Such is my life at this current time. I feel like I’m moving forward in a lot of things yet I feel stuck with others. It seems that I can’t keep up with the site, I feel as if I’m not doing enough with homework even though I’m doing just fine, and I can’t keep my schedule straight even while having a written one in front of me. The days are flying by and I’m terrified.
“Moving in slow motion baby but I’m still moving on”
I genuinely think fear is what lies at the center of my muddled mess. The days aren’t slowing down and I’m afraid of May. Sure, that’s when I’m out on my own living in an apartment, with a career job, and making a real life for myself but that’s not the main reason.
I’m terrified of saying goodbye to my family.
Not my blood family but my Piedmont family. I’ve really found myself inside of a core group this year and I can already see and feel the difference. It’s amazing how much joy has come out of my heart these recent weeks. I’ve been more upbeat, optimistic, and sure of myself. Some of these people I’ve known since day one (2014) while others I’ve only known for a few weeks; either way I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to watch the year go by while trying to grasp at the sand slipping through my fingers.
We’ve already had some great adventures so far and I’m so excited for the ones to come. I just hate thinking that I’m going to have to let go yet again. I’ve been doing this since I was a 6th grader and I just want it to stop. Why is it that every time a person grabs my heart (or vic versa) I have to inevitably leave them at some point? I just wish for stability.
It’s ironic too because I’ve had nothing but stability for the last year and a half. I’ve been well rooted in this community, been involved in ministries, and poured my heart into my home. I’m extremely blessed and thankful but it’s the prospect of letting go that scares me.
Believe me, I trust God and I know that He knows what He’s doing. He is always in control. I’m trying to rest in that. It just seems that my exhaustion, coupled with nostalgia and a relaxed state of mind have really brought this out.
Meanwhile I inadvertently wrote a song tonight that deals with the process of letting go; letting go of painful situations. Would you like to see some lyrics?
“So why do I feel so empty when you’re gone?
Why can’t I just move on?
It’s like I’m falling all over again for you
But you’re not here for me to fall into“
My heart is all over the place tonight. God, settle my soul. I know that I’m going to be ok. I know that I still have a ton of time between now and May. I’d be a fool though to believe that it will go by slower than I think. I’m going to stop blinking now…