This post contains heavy references to suicide and depression.
In honor of Suicide Awareness month this post is dedicated to those who have been taken by depression. May you rest in peace…
A knife to the wrist.
A noose around the neck.
A bullet into your mouth.
The inevitability of death is well known but what is it that makes a person take their own life? What drives a soul to hang by the neck from the heavens? What’s the driving force behind spilling your own precious blood? I can tell you because at one time I wanted to feel the rope burning my neck. I wanted to know that I could bleed. Would you like to know what it is?
I don’t want to ever live this life alone. I don’t see why anybody would. The universe is such a vast place; to think that there are still places and things left undiscovered after all of this time is baffling and scary. At one point (and even sometimes today) I felt and lived in isolation. It’s a phenomenon, loneliness. You’re surrounded by 7 billion people and yet you feel as if you’re the only one breathing (barely).
In this world there is no sunshine; nothing to smile about. Death warps your heart and drowns out the existence of God.
“I don’t even know if I believe
Everything you’re trying to say to me*”
I can tell you from experience that in these moments ghosts exist. Demons become a reality. The darkest parts of hell become your reality. It seems as if the light of God has no power here. If hell were an ocean suicide would be the breathing mask.
How better to describe it? How many times do I have to scream from the mountaintops to people wandering below that I’ve wanted to take the dive? Do people believe me when I say that I laid in my own bed one evening surrounded by demons? Do they believe me when I say that they told me to die? Do people really believe in the darkness that so surrounded my lonely heart?
“Say something, say something,
Something like you love me
Less you wanna move away
From the noise of this place*”
Statistics mean nothing until you’re home is ravaged by reality. You never truly know the power of hell until you’ve walked the fiery depths and lived to tell about it.
“So open up my eyes
Tell me I’m alive”
Yet so many people walk this earth alone, balancing between life and death. The smell of their own blood keeps them alive, hanging on by an inch. The comfort of death is a soothing thought compared to living another day alone on this earth. Loneliness is real. It’s a master at hiding. It will kill you if you blink twice.
I can only write to you today by the gracious hand of God rescuing me from my hell. He reached down and pulled me up out of my pit, wiped the ashes away, and restored my broken pieces. I can’t take credit for being where I am today because had it not been for God’s grace I wouldn’t be where I am.
My life is a testament of hope and life.
Yes, dark days still come and go. Pain is a very real and evident part of my life but I am alive. I’m breathing. I will never stop needing God’s reminder that I have a purpose. If you’re reading this and you’re in this spot. If you feel as though the demons are crushing your spirit. I’m here to remind you that there is hope.
Take it from someone who has stared death in the face and is still breathing.
God is stronger.
This post is dedicated to every single soul that has been lost from suicide. You’re memory is in our hearts and mind. We’re sorry for failing you. We’re sorry for not seeing it sooner. We always loved you and always will.
Rest in peace…
*lyrics by Mumford and Sons*