I’m Not Ok

Days like this remind me…

I’m not even going to pretend with you; I’m not ok. My head is swimming, the pressure mounting. Luckily I don’t feel like I have a weight crushing my chest anymore. Still, I feel as though the anxiety came, did its damage, and slunk back into its cave within my heart; still lurking, always waiting.

You see me limping , I know you see me limping
You can’t tell on these CDs, but bro I’m knee deep in it
I’m wading in my weakness, he made me dependent
I’d be lying through my teeth to say I don’t resent it*

So yeah, I encountered yet another classic panic attack this evening. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. To say that tears didn’t make an appearance would be a lie. My chest hurt, I couldn’t breathe, think, move…Paralyzed by the pressure. Can I just be real with you?

Even as I write these lines I’m close to tears
My body ain’t been working right for several years
So miss me with that “keep your chin up try to smile”
Bruh I’m twenty-two, I should feel better by a mile
Keep all your anecdotes and cute quotes*

I hate this. I’d be a complete liar to say that I didn’t hate it. I’d be a fool to try and make myself or anyone else believe that I don’t question God on why this is my struggle. Why can’t I just trust? Why does my body become so paralyzed with fear? Why is it that such minuscule events take my breath away? Why can’t I just be normal?

They see me on the stage, they like “that boy the man”
They hit play on them songs, they clapping in them stands
They like, “I bet you got a lot of them stacks in rubber bands”
So when I say its been a hard few years they think I’m playing
But you don’t know my life boy, you don’t know my life boy*

It’s amazing some of the reactions I get when I tell people that depression is a constant battle for me. “But you’re always so happy and cheerful” is the most common response. It’s true, I’m a pretty happy and cheerful guy. At least I try to be. I want to be…The honest truth of the matter is that no matter how much I may smile or goof off there’s a battle raging inside of my heart and my mind. It’s one that is constantly questioning other people’s motives, intentions, and beliefs. It’s one where my fears are eating my logic alive. I can imagine a world where people are true to what they say but imagination is far from reality.

I guess my cheerfulness just comes from a desire to be truly happy. I have many blessings, friends, and things to be cheerful about. I try and rest in the peace that God gives me through those things. I try and rest in God. Some days I’m just not as good at it as I’d like to be.

I feel thorns where my crown was
I be weak but I’m alive*

Today was one of those days. I suppose this is my cross to bear? I guess that this is the primary area where I see God’s strength? The only good thing about anxiety is that it reminds me that I am a weak, sinful, prideful man. After such an event I’m left with no strength, energy, or motivation. These attacks sap me of the very life I desire. Thankfully the God’s grace is “sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (II Corinthians 12:9) I’m trying to rest in the victory that God gives me. Just because I have these attacks doesn’t mean I’m a freak. It’s just God’s reminder that I need Him…Believe me, I do.

These days on earth may be full of strife and pain but I look for a day when all pain will be washed away. I’m striving for a day when I see my Savior face to face. I’m pushing on for the day I can literally rest in my Jesus’ arms. That’ll be a pretty good day…Yeah, a pretty good day indeed.

The victor ain’t the one thats winning seventh inning
Trophies don’t go to the ones that got a good beginning
When I say I win I don’t mean this day I’m in
I mean that day when the grey skies fade out then
I’m winning ‘cause I reign with him*

*Lyrics by Trip Lee

8 Replies to “I’m Not Ok”

  1. Sending you lots of hugs, Matty. Feel free to email if you ever need someone to talk to (or to listen). ❤

    And btw, your description "…there’s a battle raging inside of my heart and my mind. It’s one that is constantly questioning other people’s motives, intentions, and beliefs. It’s one where my fears are eating my logic alive." is the most accurate description I've read of this illness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I like it when you say you are “trying and rest in God”, I think it is courageous to be honest with yourself that you are not okay, that it is okay not to be okay.

    Actually, this is what I need to read this very day. I hope it may go well with you! May God bless your life! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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