Never has walking outside triggered flashbacks that brought tears. I haven’t had to deal with the memory of you in what seems like ages. Then, as if a ghost, these memories came back to haunt me…
The cold air stung my face and all I thought was, “Man, it’s cold”. I hadn’t felt cold like this since last winter when the snow was falling fresh on the ground. When snowball fights and sledding were on the priority list. Coffee and hot chocolate were the sweet nectar that allowed us to shake off our frostbite…Last winter…The one winter that broke whatever innocence I had left? Yes, that winter.
The tremors came….Then the tears.
They did not fall quickly…In fact, not a single one fell from my eye. Like the memory off all heartbreaks of my past, they welled up on the edge of release but were then suffocated back into the recesses of my soul. Trapped. Forsaken. Pushed away.
No matter the forgiveness I have extended towards my pain, I have not forgotten. It’s hard to forget something so visceral, so fresh. It sits in the back of your mind, dormant, waiting for the right time to push itself to the forefront. Unfortunately, it’s version of “the right time” is always the worst.
My cobblestone pathway, of recent time, has been warm and full of sun. I almost forgot about all of the winters behind me. For some reason I thought that I had regained some sort of naivety. Ha…If only innocence was a re-attainable substance. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. It’s been a slow burn, these last few years, but my innocence has gone.
I have a hard time breathing in beauty. It only tastes like ice, cold and frigid. I struggle with my perception of perfection. All I see, of late, is death. The trees have lost their color, the sky has started crying more frequently, and I’m just waiting for the first snow to fall. I’m not anticipating it. Actually, after tonight I’m dreading it.
Now that my mind has turned on me again I see that every winter since 2011 has wreaked of something painful. I hate the cold. It stalks me.
This winter may require just a little more than your average coat. I might need to bundle up…Maybe the cold won’t find a way to my heart. Maybe I can keep my eyes on the hope of sunshine even amidst grey clouds. I pray that the warmth I have will keep the frost at bay. I can’t afford to have my heart frozen again…Ironic that my heart was thawed out just in time to experience the freeze. Hopefully April comes soon.