I’ll be Home for Christmas

The lights are hung, my dear. They’re sparkling with a glow that can only be found during times such as these. It is Christmas, you know. A time where families come together, carols are sung, and stockings find themselves overflowing with trinkets. Indeed, a beautiful season of the year.

We had a foot of snow cover the front yard today. This town hasn’t seen an inch of snow in the last few years let alone an entire foot! I could barely keep the children inside. I’ve been staring out of the window all day, to my frustration too. I had quite a bit of chores to accomplish but somebody had to keep an eye on the little one. You certainly know how the other two are…I happened to catch our baby stepping into the snow and momentarily disappearing. I panicked, of course, but then I saw the faint wiggle of a hat and a cheerful squeal. I chuckled to myself as I watched our children chase each other through the snow. I couldn’t help but stare down our blanketed, mile long driveway. Some part of me wishes to see those familiar headlights barreling down the path. I miss you.

I sat underneath the dim light of the fire this evening, the flicker of flames danced in the darkness. The Christmas tree is up but I had to turn the lights off. I needed a moment to breath, to take it all in. It’s exhausting watching people be happy. Maybe it’s because I’m so sad? How can I not be? Children are laughing, couples are kissing, and there seems to be even more of a wealth of smiles, yet I’m here, alone. I have no one to kiss under the mistletoe. There’s no one to help me decorate the tree. The children are far too small and much too concerned with who punched a hole in their most recent attempt at a snowman. This isn’t the Christmas I used to know. To take a note from Elvis, this is a blue, blue Christmas.

I’ve written you letter after letter but you never respond. I don’t blame you…How can I? Your sickness took you. It stole the breath from your lungs and left us here alone. The doctors told us it was coming but my heart held on to hope. I was wishing we could spend at least one more Christmas with you. I wanted to feel the warmth of your embrace but I’m only left with the dying flames. I wanted to see your eyes light up when our children opened up the Christmas presents but they don’t smile much anymore.

This isn’t your fault. This isn’t our fault. We were given this path to tread and we will walk it, together. We’re just going to have to do it with one less hand to hold. One less mouth to kiss. One less hug to give.

We will have our family dinner but it won’t be the same. The snow will continue to fall but it’s a little darker this year. The carols will be sung but they’ll be a little less joyful. The decorations are hung but they’re not as bright as they once were. I’ll hold on to your pillow a little extra tight tonight.

I know that I’ll be home for Christmas and so will you…If only in my dreams.


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