It’s upon us.
It’s leveled our cities. Blanketed our roads. It’s impacted our very way of life.
Snowmageddon 2k16 is being deemed “the storm of all storms”. Some are calling it “the worst snowstorm the south has seen all year”. Southerners have all scurried into hiding, stolen (bought) all of the bread, and collectively emptied the roads of their perilous driving. It’s a nightmare out here folks.
I figured that while we were all stuck inside (I’m in North Carolina), I might as well write a cynical post poking fun at my fellow southerners over the way they handle 3-4 inches of snow. With that said, I introduce to you: My Top 10 Ways Southerners Handle Snowstorms!
The obvious choice for number 10 is the way that we southerners prepare for snow. Christmas rush at wal-mart’s got nothin’ on snowstorm preparation. I made the mistake of walking into wal-mart at midnight on Thursday (right before the storm hit) and half of Winston was shopping (and panicking, might I add). In typical wal-mart fashion they only had 4 lanes open, too.
Snowplows liter the streets and everywhere you walk you hear the light crunch of salt underneath your feet. Groceries are bought (we’ll talk about that later) and fires are lit. Preparation is key to surviving the onslaught of snowmageddon. 4 inches of snow can really do some damage. Make sure you’re prepared.
9.) Sledding down anything they can get their butts to slide down
The first thing I heard out of all of my friend’s mouths yesterday morning was, “Let’s go sledding!”. I mean, I get the novelty behind it and I can’t really disagree with the notion of excitement. It’s actually quite entertaining to watch a bunch of noobs try and climb icy hills after frolicking down the hill on their snow covered bottoms. The next time you find yourself participating in this event I encourage you to set it up like a bowling alley; a human bowling alley that is. Miley Cyrus’ song would be incredibly applicable at that point.
8.) Thriving cities become ghost towns
I’m an isolationist at times. Well, most times nowadays. I prefer silence over bigger groups and when snowstorms hit I get what I love: Silence. I walk outside and I see nothing. I don’t hear anything but the cry of the wintry wind and the crunch of snow/ice. I don’t see any cars, any people, or feel the stress of a normal, busy day. I guess you could say that it’s a beautiful, glorious dream. The funny thing about it, though, is that southerners treat the snow as if it will kill them on impact. I mean sure, it can be dangerous. That’s only if you are ignorant on how to handle daily life in it. Other than that it’s nothing but white, frozen water. Honestly though, I’m not complaining. I love being able to drive around and not have to deal with other people on the roads. It’s like heaven.
7.) Social Media Awareness
I swear, there’s something innately wired inside a 21st century person’s mind that instantly connects snow with a plethora of Facebook statuses and Instagram pics. As soon as the first snowflake falls, Facebook becomes a live news station. Updates on the hour? How about on the millisecond? You didn’t know it was snowing here and you live elsewhere? Spoiler alert! Check Facebook and you’ll be sure to be reminded that it is indeed snowing outside. We get it, folks. There’s a strange, white, powdery substance falling from the sky (No, not that white powdery substance). I don’t need to be reminded every second of the very thing I’m watching with my own eyes. With that said, here’s a picture I put on instagram yesterday of the wintery wonderland.
6.) Everyone turns in to the Michelin Man
As you may all know, the south is typically a pretty hot place. The majority of the year is spent decked out in tanks, tees, and flip flops (does anyone call them this anymore?). Why? Because it’s incredibly hot all of the time! With that in mind I’m sure you can picture the complete clothing shock when everyone steps out in 15 different layers. I say the Michelin Man simply because that’s what comes to mind when I see everyone wearing every piece of clothing they own. If that doesn’t suit (haha) a clear enough picture then take this for a better one:
5.) Snowball fights
Who doesn’t love a good snowball fight?! Nothing says bonding time like pounding each other in the face with balls of frozen water. It’s a grand ole time with no real end goal in sight. It’s pretty much “Grab all of the snow you can and mash it into people until all of it’s gone”. I used to live in Michigan and we would always have a grand time participating in this. When I moved to North Carolina I thought that it would be the same. Nice, soft, compact snow would fall from the sky and we would play like the five year old child inside of us wanted us to. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Snowball fights turn into iceball fights. Smiles of happiness turn into screams of pain. Soft, wet reminders of where the
snowball iceball landed turn into discolored bruises. Grandiose, isn’t it? Not really. It sucks. Don’t have iceball fights. They ruin everything…Friendships, relationships, families. Down with the iceball fights.
4.) They close EVERYTHING
Seriously, southerners. 4 inches of snow falls and you close the entire city as if the word was ending. I wanted to go see a movie yesterday and all of the theaters were closed. I was utterly disappointed. I wanted to get off of this campus today but nothing is open. I mean, in no way am I complaining that I got an extra day off of work because that was amazing. I just find it hilarious because I’ve gone to school with snowbanks taller than myself blanketing the building and yet 4 inches of snow closes down everything. Reminds me of a certain National Lampoon movie…
3.) THEY BUY ALL OF THE BREAD
I call this snowstorm “snowmageddon”. Wanna know why? Because all of the southerners have truly treated it as if it was the end of the world. I walked into wal-mart and literally, all of the bread was gone. Even the twinkies were missing! THE TWINKIES. I really didn’t know why this was the case until someone graciously explained it to me. If the power goes out then the only thing one can do is make some sammiches. When this was detailed, it clicked! Who doesn’t love ’em a good ole sammich?! Anyways. It’s still humorous. Never once have I had any more of a natural inclination towards bread when it snows. Hilariously enough, when the snow melts tomorrow, people are going to have a lot of extra bread on their hands.
2.) They forget how to freakin’ drive
Let’s be frank. Southerners don’t know how to drive in the snow. Can anyone fault them? I guess not. That doesn’t excuse the fact that they still can’t drive in it. In their minds caution supersedes logic. Apparently, driving two miles an hour on a snowy road is the right thing to do. Wanna know a secret? Caution is not the answer; at least, not the whole one. Yes. Be safe and don’t do anything stupid (Looking at you avid participants of doing donuts) but don’t forget the logic of driving. I’ve driven many a time in the snow and never once had an issue. Why? Because I just drove. Yeah, it’s slick. Solution? Don’t take corners too hard. Yeah, it’s hard to get a lot of traction. Solution? Don’t go that fast but certainly don’t go too slow. Just drive normal, be safe, and don’t do anything a northerner wouldn’t do. 😉
1.) They realize the beauty of family bonding time
There really isn’t much that’s more beautiful than seeing a family playing in the snow. Small children roll down hills, make snow angels, while mom and dad laugh and snap pictures. It’s an amazing scene. Even more, they gather around a fireplace, sip hot chocolate, play board games, watch movies. Lovely. The first day goes well. The second day is a little less exciting but the enthusiasm has worn a little bit. By the third day the families realize that snow days really aren’t what they’re cracked out to be. Between the numerous stanzas of “Let it go” and the constant squeals of “I’m bored!”, families begin to wish that the snow would just…go away. But, who’s even paying attention to all of that when we’re having so much family fun?! The cold never really bothered us anyway. 😉
Thanks so much for reading and I hope you stay safe out there! The snowmageddon is the 2nd highest ranked killer of people…right behind the zombie apocalypse. Stay alert. 😉