I find myself fascinated with the notion of abandonment.
No, I don’t mean the “I’m leaving you and destroying your heart” kind of abandonment.
I’m not sick.
What I mean by “abandonment” is that I find myself most attracted to places, people, or things that have gone through the process of being abandoned. I love exploring empty, archaic buildings. I love perusing through dusty hallways where life once teemed. I try to remember what life must have been life for those who previously occupied the specific place. Was it hard? What kind of events played out here? Was that a rat?
I also have an incredible passion and care for the hurting. I don’t say this to spark pride or to “jut my chest out an inch or so” but I say it because I genuinely care for them. It’s amazing what experience will do in growing one’s heart.
Knowing these things, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn that I take occasional, purposeful walks through graveyards.
To say that I feel at home in a place as such would make it seem as though I fancy and relish death. I don’t. In fact, death is literally the bane of my existence (yours too). To say that I feel out of place in a graveyard (or any other abandoned place) though, would be an erroneous accusation; simply because I don’t feel out of place. In fact, I feel drawn to places like these. I find value and worth in being swept away in my thoughts; thoughts of legacy. Questions of what kind of testimony I will have when I lay in my own casket. Who were these people? What were they like? Where are they now? Questions….Far too many questions.
Many may think me strange for such a thing. If so, it’s only because they don’t understand (Probably never will either). It’s o.k. though. I know what is written in my book of motivations. I embrace the pain, heartache, and loss of life. I feel it. I feel the sting of death. It only draws me nearer to the hope that invades the darkest corners and crevasses. I feel that it makes me a little more visceral when it comes to relating to people.
To be honest, I feel like I’m the character “Sadness” from the movie Inside Out.
Misunderstood. Questionable. Frustrating.
In the end though, just as valuable as anyone else.
My girlfriend (I love being able to say that) and I went for a walk this evening. Through snow and ice, we trudged our way into a local graveyard that we frequent often. There was no ulterior motive for coming here on a night like this. I only wished to take in the beauty of the snow coupled with the imagery of the exquisite headstones. Mak isn’t much of one for romping through burial grounds but she accompanies me anyway (Of which I’m grateful <3).
As we were frolicking through the wintery wonderland she stopped me. We had been talking but something on the ground took her out of the conversation and transfixed her focus on to it. I stopped, looked down, and to my surprise, there, surrounded by snow and ice, was a green plant protruding from the ground. I can almost guarantee you that it was from a branch but a thought struck me.
There is life amidst all of this death.
A lot of people think me morbid and depressing (oh well) but I have my moments. This was one of those moments. I leaned over to Mak and said, “A beautiful reminder that there is life even when surrounded by death; a perfect picture of hope. Amen?” She rightfully responded, “Amen”.
Simple, relatively small in scale, but timely, nonetheless.
Today I will attend church with Mak, do a little homework, and watch the Royal Rumble (Yay for still watching WWE). Meanwhile, the snow and ice will melt and that little green plant will feel the warmth of the sunshine beaming down upon it. Just like that little green plant, I too, will relish in the life I have been given despite being surrounded by hopelessness.
Look for life today. It can be found in the most unlikely of places.
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light” -Albus Dumbledore