I’ve awoken to yet another day of being me
It seems that I tread through the day wearing a mask of my own flesh while everyone else wears beautiful plastic bags. Everyone looks so pretty from down here. My flesh is dirty; consumed by the ravages of a civil war. This is no war of nations. My heart and mind battle from the rising of the sun to the crescent moon. Am I the only one who is a casualty of war? Everyone looks so pretty from down here…
I’d love to believe that the masquerade I live in is just a dream; a false concoction of the real and the really ignorant. I see the people passing by. Their faces marauded by the classic cliche of “I’m doing just fine”. No truth is given. No trust is received. We’re all mannequins etched into our rightful facade. It just so happens that my facade has become a bit of reality.
To be normal is the goal. To not feel the way I do, day in and day out, is the dream. I only wish that I could be like the “cool kids”. You know…The ones who have it altogether? Oh, that’s just a lie? A well placed smiled used to subdue the weakened heart? I suppose your plastic paradise could only hold so much. How does it feel to have crumbled to the bottom? Oh, do forgive me. I didn’t know you hadn’t stopped pretending that everything was “just fine”.
I guess that this is what I get for being so transparent. This is what I deserve for being one with who I am. A picture perfect representation of what life should be scrolls through my mind everyday. Everyone seems so happy up there. 140 characters there, a new selfie here. It’s amazing how little it takes to fool the entire world into thinking that everything is “just fine”. Can I continue being honest? You’re a liar.
If only, for a moment, you removed the painted plastic bag from your shoulders you would feel the weight of what it means to be translucent, to be seen. You would become one with the cruelty of a world gone cold, a world without God. Wake up.
The more I ponder, the more I wonder. Maybe I really am the normal one? It seems that “normal” is now defined by the obscene. “Normal” is no longer relevant. It’s as if the world is operating in a constant “opposite day” mode. Maybe I really am the normal one.
Wouldn’t that be something?
It’s hard to not feel lonely in a world like this. It’s hard to feel, or be, “normal” because I don’t even think any of the “normal” people know what they’re doing.
Am I too hard on myself? Probably. Am I blessed? Immensely. Do I wish I could be someone else somedays? *Sigh…
I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of explaining and clarifying to some people. “Jesus made you who you are…love yourself”. Valid point and one that I believe. “You’re blessed beyond measure, bounce out of this”. I’m sure I will sooner or later. “It could be worse.” Indeed it could. Thank God it’s not.
I’m just fed up with my sin, folks. I want to be a perfect man. I want to be like Jesus. I want to be patient, kind, joyful, self-controlled, etc…The more I try, the more I fail. I’m just pressured by the guilt; pressured by the immense weight I’ve placed on myself.
Jesus hold me now.