Confessions

IT’S FRIDAY!

Well, for another 45 minutes.

With it being Friday I decided to have a little fun with the blog post. For the next few weeks I’m going to try and take a sarcastic approach to why each of the four major candidates for President should win. My hope is to poke fun at the current frontrunners for the oval office in a way that takes our minds off of the complete idiocy that is “politics”.

The majority of you (if you know me well enough) probably clicked on this link thinking I’m actually supporting the Trump-mister. Honestly, who knows? That’s not my intent with these blogs so let’s not make them in to that.

Ready to have some fun? Here are my top 10 reasons why Donald Duck..I mean Trump..would make a great President!

10.) He will pay off the National Debt

“Wait, he said he was gonna be funny…” Well, I hope to be at least. When I say that he’s going to pay off the National Debt I literally mean it. The Trumpster will literally hit up the ATM one day and withdraw the 6 (or more) trillion dollars needed from his account and pay it off. I’m pretty sure he’s that rich…I wouldn’t be surprised.

9.) America will finally gain a national hairstyle

The great U.S. of A is currently overrun with hipsters (or homeless men who found a way to dress really nice). The current hairstyle is the classic faded side with the top being extensively longer. I’m one of those “hipsters” (not a complete one just 75%) but I’m entirely enthralled with the idea of a national combover. That’s right folks, with Trump as President we will see America garner the combover as it’s national hairstyle. Would you like to know what else? It’ll be great. Real great.

8.) He will assign a national book of the Bible

Yes, I said it. The United States of America’s official book of the Bible will be “Two Corinthians”. No, not “Second Corinthians” but rather, “Two Corinthians”. Then the Donald will come up with a random verse to go with it…Probably along the lines of “Thou shalt not mess with the Trump-dawg” or something like that…

7.) His foreign policy will out-perform those before him

You may scoff at this but I’m for real. Since when has any President effectively used unashamed back-peddaling as a foreign policy style? I can only imagine a two way conversation between Trump and Putin. In this case I would feel incredibly bad for Putin…The poor Russian diplomat will never have seen what’s coming…One minute Trump is his friend and the next he’s gone full Gollum talking to himself, whispering, and laughing maniacally while his toupee flops around like a fish. Utter chaos. Effective but utter chaos.

6.) He will place a Trump Tower in every major city

Nothing says America like a massive Trump Tower in all of the major metropolitan areas. Actually, nothing says America like that because you’d have to pronounce it “The United States of “Merica”. That’s ok though. When foreigners come to visit (poor people) they’ll think that ‘Merica is a place of golden glamor. Our President looks golden, he has gold, and all of his buildings are made of gold.

5.) He will insult this country to freedom

This is one of the few things I like about Trump. It’s also one of the least favorite things I like about Trump. The man has a spine, let’s give him that. He also has a proverbial case of diarrhea of the mouth. Either way, don’t get in his (our) way because we’ll be capable of some major trash talkin’. Step up China. Whatcha got?!

4.) He will institute his most classic line

Pretty much everyone has seen “The Apprentice” right? I used to love that show. The premise was simple: Business men and women from all over America came to New York to compete for the chance to be Trump’s apprentice. My favorite part of every week was when he would fire someone. It was a moment of anticipation…Waiting…Waiting…Waiting. Then finally! The hand drops, his fingers form in to the shape of a gun, and in His New Yorker accent he says, “I think you’re great but you’re fired”. Can you imagine him doing that to Barack yo’ llama when he gets sworn in to office?

“Barrack yo’ mama, I think you’re great but you’re fired”.

Pure gold

3.) America and the Soviets will finally be friends

It’s no secret that the two countries’ relationship has been strained for a while. Now that Putin has officially endorsed Trump I think we could finally see some ground gained in the amnesty realm. Well, unless Trump uses his gollum-esque foreign policy mode. Let’s just hope for the best…

2.) The United States of ‘Merica will be renamed

This is an ideal situation. I don’t really think that “The United States of America” will rightfully describe us with Trump in the office. I’m thinking something more like “The United Combs of Trump” or “Donald World” Maybe our national anthem could be changed? Something tells me that huge things are on the horizon…Which brings me to my number 1 reason!

1.) It’ll be HUUUUGGGEEEE

Just imagine with me Donald’s face, his puckered lips, and ecstatic hand movements saying “It’ll be huge”. Wish that you had never imagined that? Yeah, me too. Whatever he really plans on doing (of which no one really knows) will be huge. It will be great. It will be fantastic. I don’t know about you but I’m ready.

Thanks for bearing with me through my nonsense! Do you have any other sarcastic reasons why D-Trizzle would make a great Prez? Sound off in the comments below!

Next week I’ll take a look at why Hilary Clinton would make a great President!

Cheers!