The Part of Me that Hates God…


There are many reasons why I’m fed up with college (and have been for years). Would you like me to list a few?

  • The endless hours of assignments
  • The lack of sleep
  • The inhumane, utterly unhealthy meals
  • Freshman
  • Lack of freedom/privacy
  • Financial Aid

If you’ve been in school or are in school then I’m sure any number of those items were enough to send shivers down your spine and place a lump in your throat. Although those are incredible pains in my arse, there’s one that I didn’t mention simply because I want to spend my time writing about it today…

It’s the fact that I have no time to process life.

A year ago I found myself in incredible emotional and spiritual pain (daresay physical too?). I had recently gone through a situation that I deemed the proverbial straw that broke my back. I ended up in counseling, developed fits of anxiety attacks, and became miserable in my sorrow/disappointment. This all happened at the beginning of the Spring semester and I so desperately wanted to rid myself of it. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t have the time to fix it.

I worked two part time jobs and undertook 18 credit hours of school. I barely had time to eat or hang out with any of my “friends”, let alone deal with my deeply engrained psychological issues. This blog served as my rescue but even that couldn’t alleviate my worst heartaches.

The reason I was so in tune with the deeply distraught, darkened corners of my brain was because I had been taking a few counseling classes. I was taught that there was always something below the surface that needed to be dug up. It was then that I realized I needed to find counseling. I spent two months journeying into the deepest parts of my life and what I found wasn’t pretty. Hatred, envy, bitterness, and rage were commonly found feasting on the inner recesses of what naivete I had left. My problem was forgiveness. My main issue was that I was a sinful man and I hadn’t fully experienced the forgiveness of God.

I walked away from counseling and into the Summer resigned to healing. I finally had time to travel, be alone, and get deep with my heart. I sought God and I found forgiveness. I realized that the only reason I couldn’t think straight during the semester was because I didn’t have the time. College stole that from me. Bible college stole my relationship with God. I chose to let the thief have its way and I was the one left destitute.

Fast forward a year and I find myself in the same place. I’m not emotionally bankrupt, I’m not in a horrific place full of pain, but I am lost in my failures. I don’t have the time to sit down and think about the why’s, how’s, and when’s of the circumstances in life. I can’t process anything. I don’t have the time.

I used to work a full time job but I ended up in the hospital because of stress. I was brought to a point where I had to choose between my financial health and my emotional health. I knew what I needed to do so I cut back on my job. This allowed me more time to focus on my schoolwork and my girlfriend but my emotional issues remained untouched.

Being in a relationship has reopened doors of my past that I wish would stay closed. Feelings of rejection, disappointment, loneliness, and anger flood my brain almost every day. My girlfriend, K, is the most amazing woman and I love her with all of my heart. She has never once rejected me and has never once ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. Suffice it to say that she is nothing like the demons I’ve dated in the past. She’s a literal angel.

With that truth fully known, it doesn’t stop the memories from coming back. It doesn’t stop me from reacting in anger whenever I hear something that sounds so painfully familiar. Whether it be in an unintentional word or action, I find myself believing I’m going to be hurt and so I react. I lash out at my girlfriend because it’s my defense system…

Anger is my wall.

She doesn’t deserve it. She’s done nothing but prove to me since day one that she’s accepted every part of me no matter how ugly. Even in moments where she disappoints me I find myself lashing out as harshly as someone would if they had been truly damaged. Why? I’ve let it become a part of me.

See, the thing about love is that you can’t control it. I can’t control whether someone walks into my life or out of it. I can’t control whether someone means what they say and says what they mean. This terrifying revelation unleashes an even more terrifying beast inside of me: my desperate need for control.

It is within my deepest feelings of hopelessness that I do any and everything I can to remain in control. I’ve realized that the easiest way I can do that is through my anger. I’d like to believe that I have the temper of the devil but in all honesty I have the wrath of an ant bite; stings for a moment but eventually becomes an annoying part of life.

So where is my anger rooted? Disappointment in people? In my depression or anxiety? If you want to speak on surface level terms I suppose you could say that. If we dig below the surface though I think we will find something much more frightening.

My anger is rooted in my disbelief that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do.

Deep, deep, deep down in my heart there is a part of me that hates God. I was born a sinner and one that naturally rebels against Him (you were too). Out of that fundamental knowledge grows a lifestyle that actively seeks to do anything possible to rebel against Him.

I was born with a naturally rebellious heart against God and with an uncontrollable desire for deep, intimate relationships with other people. I love people. I love having friends. I love being told that someone loves me. It fills my soul and offers me hope. I had that growing up. It was in abundance and I never thought I could be any happier. It wasn’t until I learned a disturbing truth that I came crashing back down to reality.

People can’t be trusted.

I can’t be trusted.

God inherently created you and I with these desires. We were made to be relational people. God is a relational god. This is a natural thing but through my sinful rebellion I’ve twisted it and tainted it. I put my love for people over my love for God. I valued a human’s words rather than the written word of the Creator of the Universe.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

My disappointment in people ultimately stems from my disappointment in God. “You said you would be there.” “If I can’t trust people who love you then how can I trust you?” “Do you really love me and is this really the best thing for me?”

In all honesty I know the truth. It’s not God’s fault. He’s not to blame. Sin corrupted this world and I’m just as much of a sinner as everyone else. Disappointment is a reality of life but God’s faithfulness despite my circumstances is a truth that never fades. His love for me is constant. The reality that Christ died to redeem me from sin is one that provides hope so powerful it overcomes even the most hellish aspects of my personality.

So here I am at a crossroads. Keep living the life of a stressed out, over-worked, emotional wreck or I can rest in the faithfulness of God to make me whole.

I’m ready for the summer to be here so all that I have to worry about is a job, my spiritual health, and my relationship. I need time to process.

Thanks for reading through my ramblings. If you have a thought, feel free to leave one down below. I’m an open book and I don’t care for hiding behind masks (as you can see).

 

Cheers.

 

19 Replies to “The Part of Me that Hates God…”

  1. Hello. Thank you for following my blog. I appreciate your taking time to read it. Being autistic, I have a very low threshold for processing a lot information at once, which is one reason why I couldn’t attend college. I think anyone who can work (2 jobs nonetheless) and go to school is doing an excellent job. I have a reoccurring dart from Satan with a message that reads “You’re not good enough because you’re disabled and cannot support yourself.” I have fallen victim to this dart wounding me and only have been able to defend myself against it by going to God’s Word. I have right-standing with God based on who Jesus is and what He did. God has a plan for me and one day he will reveal where He wants me to go from where I am today. The point I’m trying to make is that God has an individualized plan for all of us and not to get ahead of Him. I find Joyce Meyer’s TV program and teaching resources practical and helpful. God has got me through my mom’s passing. May God continue to bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s an incredible perspective to have! It’s amazing the power that God can have on all of us. He is so loving, faithful, and true to his children! I hope you continue finding your rest and hope in Him through your life! I look forward to reading more of your writing and vic versa!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I just want to add: my agnostic years were mostly really horrible. And my believing years have been mostly… not horrible. Very oten peaceful. And sometimes filled with great, awesome joy. Joy I never experienced when my heart was far from God.

      But these doubts, these questions, this anger toward our Creator, I think this may be an important part of our spiritual journey. Even though I still don’t understand all the “whys”. Despite being a Mensa genius great-grandmother. I mean, I should know everything, right?!

      πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahaha yes I do understand. I don’t quite know what it is with my heart other than it is foundationally against God. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t have a desire for him at all. I want to be made more like Him, to become more of who He is. I just keep failing and so I feel like I’m missing the mark even though I know Gods not the one saying those things to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Amen, I want to be made more like Him.

        I may have told you, back when I was posting under my old account gravatar (which I had to abandon due to technical difficulties this genius could not fix), my granddaughter is currently in a Harvard graduate program, studying anthropology and sociology. She has lost her faith along the way and is now agnostic. I am praying for her. It seems to be a common problem for some of us, thinking we are smarter than God.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I will most definitely keep her in my prayers as well! It’s an unsettling issue and one that isn’t going to go away. I pray the Lord gets a hold of her heart and keeps ours humble and in his hands!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. We all go through these seasons of our lives where all we do is work, but no matter what, you must seek one-on-one time with the Father. All of our help comes from him. Making sure that you’re resting when you need to rest is also key. Praying that you’re able to remove all those things that distract you from God.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Matt, you know that Grandma an Me love you very much an be of good faith love the Lord with all might an soul an that he is is at our side no matter what . It is almost over an you can concentrate on other thinks an relax a little maybe. Like Michelle said we all have trial that we go though.

      Liked by 1 person

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