Confessions

There are many reasons why I’m fed up with college (and have been for years). Would you like me to list a few?

• The endless hours of assignments
• The lack of sleep
• The inhumane, utterly unhealthy meals
• Freshman
• Lack of freedom/privacy
• Financial Aid

If you’ve been in school or are in school then I’m sure any number of those items were enough to send shivers down your spine and place a lump in your throat. Although those are incredible pains in my arse, there’s one that I didn’t mention simply because I want to spend my time writing about it today…

It’s the fact that I have no time to process life.

A year ago I found myself in incredible emotional and spiritual pain (daresay physical too?). I had recently gone through a situation that I deemed the proverbial straw that broke my back. I ended up in counseling, developed fits of anxiety attacks, and became miserable in my sorrow/disappointment. This all happened at the beginning of the Spring semester and I so desperately wanted to rid myself of it. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t have the time to fix it.

I worked two part time jobs and undertook 18 credit hours of school. I barely had time to eat or hang out with any of my “friends”, let alone deal with my deeply engrained psychological issues. This blog served as my rescue but even that couldn’t alleviate my worst heartaches.

The reason I was so in tune with the deeply distraught, darkened corners of my brain was because I had been taking a few counseling classes. I was taught that there was always something below the surface that needed to be dug up. It was then that I realized I needed to find counseling. I spent two months journeying into the deepest parts of my life and what I found wasn’t pretty. Hatred, envy, bitterness, and rage were commonly found feasting on the inner recesses of what naivete I had left. My problem was forgiveness. My main issue was that I was a sinful man and I hadn’t fully experienced the forgiveness of God.

I walked away from counseling and into the Summer resigned to healing. I finally had time to travel, be alone, and get deep with my heart. I sought God and I found forgiveness. I realized that the only reason I couldn’t think straight during the semester was because I didn’t have the time. College stole that from me. Bible college stole my relationship with God. I chose to let the thief have its way and I was the one left destitute.

Fast forward a year and I find myself in the same place. I’m not emotionally bankrupt, I’m not in a horrific place full of pain, but I am lost in my failures. I don’t have the time to sit down and think about the why’s, how’s, and when’s of the circumstances in life. I can’t process anything. I don’t have the time.

I used to work a full time job but I ended up in the hospital because of stress. I was brought to a point where I had to choose between my financial health and my emotional health. I knew what I needed to do so I cut back on my job. This allowed me more time to focus on my schoolwork and my girlfriend but my emotional issues remained untouched.

Being in a relationship has reopened doors of my past that I wish would stay closed. Feelings of rejection, disappointment, loneliness, and anger flood my brain almost every day. My girlfriend, K, is the most amazing woman and I love her with all of my heart. She has never once rejected me and has never once ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. Suffice it to say that she is nothing like the demons I’ve dated in the past. She’s a literal angel.

With that truth fully known, it doesn’t stop the memories from coming back. It doesn’t stop me from reacting in anger whenever I hear something that sounds so painfully familiar. Whether it be in an unintentional word or action, I find myself believing I’m going to be hurt and so I react. I lash out at my girlfriend because it’s my defense system…

Anger is my wall.

She doesn’t deserve it. She’s done nothing but prove to me since day one that she’s accepted every part of me no matter how ugly. Even in moments where she disappoints me I find myself lashing out as harshly as someone would if they had been truly damaged. Why? I’ve let it become a part of me.

See, the thing about love is that you can’t control it. I can’t control whether someone walks into my life or out of it. I can’t control whether someone means what they say and says what they mean. This terrifying revelation unleashes an even more terrifying beast inside of me: my desperate need for control.

It is within my deepest feelings of hopelessness that I do any and everything I can to remain in control. I’ve realized that the easiest way I can do that is through my anger. I’d like to believe that I have the temper of the devil but in all honesty I have the wrath of an ant bite; stings for a moment but eventually becomes an annoying part of life.

So where is my anger rooted? Disappointment in people? In my depression or anxiety? If you want to speak on surface level terms I suppose you could say that. If we dig below the surface though I think we will find something much more frightening.

My anger is rooted in my disbelief that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He says He will do.

Deep, deep, deep down in my heart there is a part of me that hates God. I was born a sinner and one that naturally rebels against Him (you were too). Out of that fundamental knowledge grows a lifestyle that actively seeks to do anything possible to rebel against Him.

I was born with a naturally rebellious heart against God and with an uncontrollable desire for deep, intimate relationships with other people. I love people. I love having friends. I love being told that someone loves me. It fills my soul and offers me hope. I had that growing up. It was in abundance and I never thought I could be any happier. It wasn’t until I learned a disturbing truth that I came crashing back down to reality.

People can’t be trusted.

I can’t be trusted.

God inherently created you and I with these desires. We were made to be relational people. God is a relational god. This is a natural thing but through my sinful rebellion I’ve twisted it and tainted it. I put my love for people over my love for God. I valued a human’s words rather than the written word of the Creator of the Universe.

I’m sure you can see where this is going.

My disappointment in people ultimately stems from my disappointment in God. “You said you would be there.” “If I can’t trust people who love you then how can I trust you?” “Do you really love me and is this really the best thing for me?”

In all honesty I know the truth. It’s not God’s fault. He’s not to blame. Sin corrupted this world and I’m just as much of a sinner as everyone else. Disappointment is a reality of life but God’s faithfulness despite my circumstances is a truth that never fades. His love for me is constant. The reality that Christ died to redeem me from sin is one that provides hope so powerful it overcomes even the most hellish aspects of my personality.

So here I am at a crossroads. Keep living the life of a stressed out, over-worked, emotional wreck or I can rest in the faithfulness of God to make me whole.

I’m ready for the summer to be here so all that I have to worry about is a job, my spiritual health, and my relationship. I need time to process.

Thanks for reading through my ramblings. If you have a thought, feel free to leave one down below. I’m an open book and I don’t care for hiding behind masks (as you can see).

 

Cheers.