Confessions

Today I find myself in the throes of a mental battle over my self-worth. If I’m being completely honest with you, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough.

I’m a pastor’s kid, have been a “Christian” since I was about 13, and just graduated from Bible college. I know that I am a sinful man and am in need of a Savior. Jesus accepts me, loves me, and forgives me for the sinful things that I do. He doesn’t expect me to be anything I can’t. He just wants me to rest in Him and let Him change me.

Why, oh why, then, am I so desperate to be perfect?

I hate being a failure. I hate the thought of it, the reality of it. It smacks of weakness and inability. I don’t want to be known as a failure and so therefore I strive for perfection.

I’ve been told lies. I’ve had many people claim that they love me only to walk out of the door when I made them uncomfortable, when I got too close. For years this was a pattern that continued to escalate. Because of this, these thoughts, these expectations, have become ingrained in my mind.

“You’ll never be good enough for anyone…Not even God.”

My depression and anxiety is triggered by failure. I fall in to a pit of despair when I mess up. I beat myself up. I kick, scream, and insult myself because somehow that makes me feel better. Twisted, isn’t it?

I want to be the best that I can be. I want to be patient, kind, loving, forgiving. I want to be like Jesus. I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of fighting a war against myself. I’m tired of feeling like no matter what I do will never be good enough and that there will always be room to change. As if the effort I’ve put in already isn’t good enough.

Even in moments of success, voices inside my head are quick to remind me to not get comfortable. It’s this constant running, sprinting, away from failure. I can’t handle it yet it’s something I do on a daily basis.

I know Christ loves me and accepts me. These “voices” aren’t coming from Him or the Bible. These thoughts are stemming from my sin and they seek to keep me from God.

Lies are spread through my mind everyday. It doesn’t matter how much I read the Bible and fill my head with truth, the lies aren’t far behind. This war that I’m fighting has sapped me of all of my energy. I need Jesus…Swoop in and save me…Please.

Hear my cry, O God,
    listen to my prayer;
 from the end of the earth I call to you
    when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
    that is higher than I,
 for you have been my refuge,
    a strong tower against the enemy.

Psalm 61:1-3