I’ve spent the entire day in tears.
I came to the end of myself
and I found Jesus.
I’ve been looking for freedom for a long time. I wanted freedom from my depression, my anger, my bitterness, and most of all, I wanted freedom from myself.
I couldn’t stand to see the man looking back at me in the mirror. I hated the words that came out of my mouth. There was a piece of me that said I could be better but I couldn’t hear it because I was spewing my hatred to anyone who got too close.
“I hate these consequences, I know that I let you down and I can’t deal with that…”
I wanted to get away from every mistake that I made. I wanted to run from every word that I should never had said. I wanted away from the darkness and the demons.
I had no hope of becoming a better person. I knew that Jesus wanted me to become something better but somehow he just wasn’t coming through. He wasn’t listening to me. I figured that there was no end…I started having suicidal thoughts again last Monday night.
“I wonder what it would be like if my car crashed into that tree…
There’s no hope for me….
God, whatever it takes to make me change…”
I was at the end of my proverbial rope. Today, I started slipping off…
I woke up today fighting a headache, fighting my emotions, and fighting the tears. I watched a youtube video about God’s love for me and cried.
“He could never love you”
I made my shopping list and headed to the store; tears still fresh on my face and my head pounding. I did my shopping and then the emotions just kept coming. Anger hit me, the headache worsening.
“I can’t live like this anymore”
I got home from the store, horrid pain ringing in my head, and I laid down on the couch.
“I so hate these consequences cuz runnin’ from you is what my best defense is…”
After my headache subsided I started searching. I clicked on to youtube and typed “Anger and forgiveness sermons.” One by Charles Stanley popped up and so I just clicked it…
My heart was so torn up. As he preached, I realized that while I was harboring anger and bitterness towards certain individuals, there was no one I was angrier at than myself. I wasn’t forgiving myself. I couldn’t. I’d messed up too many times. I’d made too many mistakes. I was hopeless; doomed to stuck in this cycle.
“God forgives those who are forgiving. You have to let it go. Find the person you can’t forgive, sit them down, and forgive them from your heart not your mouth.”
Oh, the tears. The messy, ugly tears. I sat down on the couch and tried to avoid the impending conversation with myself. I couldn’t avoid it any longer…
“I’ve hated you for so long,”
“I’ve been angry with you for so long,”
“I’m so sorry…Will you forgive me?”
“I forgive you”
I wept and every time I say it or think it, I weep even more. I’m a free man. I’m no longer a slave to my anger. I’m no longer a slave to fear. I don’t hate myself anymore.
I don’t hate myself anymore!
I’ve been weeping on and off ever since. There’s such peace, such joy, and such contentment. I’m so happy. Thank you, God. Thank you. I’m free…I’m free…I’m free. All of those years…All of that anger…All of that hatred…Gone. Freedom. Release.
I’m ready to change. I know I can change. I have hope.
“What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”