Sunday Confession: I Can’t Live Like This Anymore


I’ve spent the entire day in tears.

I came to the end of myself

and I found Jesus.

I’ve been looking for freedom for a long time. I wanted freedom from my depression, my anger, my bitterness, and most of all, I wanted freedom from myself.

I couldn’t stand to see the man looking back at me in the mirror. I hated the words that came out of my mouth. There was a piece of me that said I could be better but I couldn’t hear it because I was spewing my hatred to anyone who got too close.

“I hate these consequences, I know that I let you down and I can’t deal with that…”

I wanted to get away from every mistake that I made. I wanted to run from every word that I should never had said. I wanted away from the darkness and the demons.

I had no hope of becoming a better person. I knew that Jesus wanted me to become something better but somehow he just wasn’t coming through. He wasn’t listening to me. I figured that there was no end…I started having suicidal thoughts again last Monday night.

“I wonder what it would be like if my car crashed into that tree…

There’s no hope for me….

God, whatever it takes to make me change…”

I was at the end of my proverbial rope. Today, I started slipping off…

I woke up today fighting a headache, fighting my emotions, and fighting the tears. I watched a youtube video about God’s love for me and cried.

“He could never love you”

I made my shopping list and headed to the store; tears still fresh on my face and my head pounding. I did my shopping and then the emotions just kept coming. Anger hit me, the headache worsening.

“I can’t live like this anymore”

I got home from the store, horrid pain ringing in my head, and I laid down on the couch.

“I so hate these consequences cuz runnin’ from you is what my best defense is…”

After my headache subsided I started searching. I clicked on to youtube and typed “Anger and forgiveness sermons.” One by Charles Stanley popped up and so I just clicked it…

My heart was so torn up. As he preached, I realized that while I was harboring anger and bitterness towards certain individuals, there was no one I was angrier at than myself. I wasn’t forgiving myself. I couldn’t. I’d messed up too many times. I’d made too many mistakes. I was hopeless; doomed to stuck in this cycle.

“God forgives those who are forgiving. You have to let it go. Find the person you can’t forgive, sit them down, and forgive them from your heart not your mouth.”

Oh, the tears. The messy, ugly tears. I sat down on the couch and tried to avoid the impending conversation with myself. I couldn’t avoid it any longer…

“I’ve hated you for so long,”

Weeping

“I’ve been angry with you for so long,”

Can’t breathe

“I’m so sorry…Will you forgive me?”

Silence

“I forgive you”

Freedom

I wept and every time I say it or think it, I weep even more. I’m a free man. I’m no longer a slave to my anger. I’m no longer a slave to fear. I don’t hate myself anymore.

I don’t hate myself anymore!

I’ve been weeping on and off ever since. There’s such peace, such joy, and such contentment. I’m so happy. Thank you, God. Thank you. I’m free…I’m free…I’m free. All of those years…All of that anger…All of that hatred…Gone. Freedom. Release.

I’m ready to change. I know I can change. I have hope.

I’M FREE

“What can wash away my sin?

Nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

21 Replies to “Sunday Confession: I Can’t Live Like This Anymore”

  1. oh how i know this road. i keep hearing about “forgiving myself” and “letting go” and “accepting the blood of Christ and His forgiveness”

    i wish doing were as easy as hearing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Youre not alone in your thinking. All that i know is that God was hardcore trying to get my attention. He opened my eyes and now i see the hope that i have. Its a different mindset that i have now. Im not a failure. Im not a screw up. Im not worthless. I am his child. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am a sinner but i have a savior.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. And I quote: “How do you get to ‘I’ve had enough?’”
    When you asked me that question four days ago, I wasn’t sure I could supply an answer beyond “you just will”. It would seem that you have begun to find it. And I hope you have.
    I will say that each step you take is one more you have to be proud of. If you should stumble, just dust yourself back off and remember that you aren’t alone. Learning to truly love yourself isn’t a one time thing-it’s a lifestyle change. And it’ll start off slow, then blossom into something wonderful.
    I truly hope you’ve found the peaceful stillness that leads to a greater understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Funny how these things work isn’t it? I truly believe that I’ve taken a huge first step in doing so. I monitor my emotions, stress level, heart rate, and sleep patterns on my phone: ever since Saturday I’ve seen a drastic change in all of those things, for the positive! I’m so thankful that God was faithful to me.
      I’m greatly looking forward to continuing in this and seeing how I change and grow. Thank you for the encouragement 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for posting this Matty 🙂 I have honestly been feeling some of the same things…so thank you for the help with this subject brother….I’ve hated myself for so long.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure what you’ve been feeling has been incredibly detrimental to you. None of us hate you buddy. Don’t let the devil tear you down. Choose to forgive yourself through Christ and let Him change you!

      Like

  4. Dr. Stanley has helped me a lot. A very raw and candid poem. I know I am forgiven and will go to heaven, I know God loves me, but I still have to live in a world where I am judged and misunderstood in some ways that are common to man and others I’m pretty sure are to just me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dr. Stanley is fantastic! I remember watching him as a young child while my dad would get ready for church. His voice has one of those nostalgic feels to it. We will get through this! Sorry for such a late response..Been a crazy few days and it seemed I slipped past your comment. My sincere apologies! 🙂

      Like

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