I can’t write to you from a place of strength this evening. My heart is downcast. My heart is in pain (both physically and emotionally). My heart is waging war.
My heart is pleading.
Pleading for clarity. Pleading for peace. Pleading for relief. There is something inside of me trying to take hold. That ever so familiar face is trying to drag me back down. My unwanted friend is knocking at my door.
I want to let him in.
I’ve been getting lost in myself these last few days. Wandering thoughts. Confused. Disappointed. Hurt.
Everything has changed in my life. I’m in the middle of a massive transition…a major change…and I’m struggling to hold fast to this truth: God knows.
In my heart of hearts, I know that He’s in control. I trust Him. I want to be able to physically run into His arms and melt, though. I can’t do this. I can’t figure this out. Not being able to see Him or audibly hear His voice makes my heart sad. Having faith in an unseen God can be hard at times. I long for His peace.
This is what my heart is waging against. Sorrow and peace. Calamity and calm. It seems as if I’m handling this differently this time around. It’s been a relatively smoother transition but I can’t help but ask why?
Not “Why did God let this happen?” but “why didn’t I see this sooner?” All of the signs were there but I refused. I wanted life to work in my favor. I knew we could make it work. At the end of the day, I couldn’t make you love me.
I’m struggling to understand but maybe I don’t have to. I don’t regret my decision. I don’t regret any of it. I’m a stronger person…I suppose I’m kicking myself for once again believing in something that was never there to begin with.
Be honest with yourself. You were never ready. That’s ok. I’m ok with it. Reality hurts, though. Reality is confusing. Reality sucks.
Reality is reality and I believe we’re going to be better off for it in the end.
Jesus get me through. Please don’t let me go. I can’t get through this without you. Sometimes I may try but Lord, be patient with my wandering soul. I genuinely want you, I just forget sometimes. That’s where you and I are different, Lord. I may stray but you are constant. You won’t relent in your pursuit of my heart…my broken, confused heart. Hold me. Fix me. Keep my eyes on you. These waves are crashing over my head. I’m slipping, Lord. Pull me from this ocean. I want to rest. I want peace. I want you.
I’m hesitant to post this simply because of its nature. It’s a battle in my mind to make sure I’m not dragging other people down when I write. I just want you, my friends, to know that if you’re struggling like I am, you’re not alone.
I’m not one for masks and I feel it’s time to lower mine but for a moment. Here is my heart in its full nature; sorrowful but yearning for the peace that only Jesus can give. I am not hopeless. You are not, either. I am not without love. Neither are you. I am not without peace but I feel the pain of reality.
Jesus, get me through.
Confessions 