Truthfully? Disengaged.


I suppose if you were to ask me how I’m doing I would have to respond with the above title. Truthfully? I’m disengaged.

It’s been a very long week in my world. Well, last week was, at least.

I worked a sum of about 65 hours in seven days. It’s odd for me to pull that kind of weight seeing as to the fact that I’m salaried and I’m not normally called upon to work such an amount. Last week was different in the sense that we were preparing for our new students at the school and there was a lot to be done. Most of those 65 hours were “mandatory” but the others were volunteer.

I genuinely love my job and I genuinely love my school. It’s an exciting time around here because we’re growing. However, I’m feeling disengaged because I’m in quite a piece of transition.

The last time students were on campus I was getting ready to graduate. Now, I’m no longer a student and I’m not as involved as I used to be. Honestly? That’s hard for me to accept.

Ever since people began arriving back on campus I’ve found myself staring out of my apartment window waiting for anyone to walk by so that I could go see what’s up.

Pathetic?

Maybe.

Maybe it’s the amount of hours I’ve put in this week or the fact that my exhaustion is rendering me emotional but I’m relatively depressed. I feel like the world is moving on without me. Or maybe I’m being forced to move on without it?

I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. For the last year of college, my identity was wrapped up in schoolwork, a girlfriend, and a job. A year later the only thing I have left of those three is a job. I feel like I’m standing outside of a glass house looking in. There’s a massive party going on and I desperately want to join but there’s no door.

I’m being dramatic but like I said, I’m overly exhausted. I’m just afraid that all of my good friends are going to leave me behind.

It’s been a hard couple of months. I knew that this was coming and I tried to prepare myself for it. I psyched myself up for it but I suppose that there was nothing I could do to stop it all.

So, all in all, I’m feeling very disengaged. I’m unmotivated, confused, tired, and whiny. I need to stop being so whiny and focus on the Lord. He knows what He’s doing.

Anyways, I’m done rambling for the day.

Cheers.

12 Replies to “Truthfully? Disengaged.”

  1. I know that world. Peering in. Feeling like somehow I either missed the invite or just wasn’t given one. What I’ve found, much to my dismay, is the walls that separate me from the activity are by my design. I built them to protect me, but ended up walling myself out from that which I now find I need.
    Or want. Maybe I only want and can live without.
    Yeah. Let’s go with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ll tell you the same thing I have to keep telling myself: your worth is based on Jesus Christ and what He did on the cross @ Cavalry. I couldn’t attend college due to autism issues (in 1997). I definitely felt anger and despair as the world seemed to be moving on without me. There was a time I was home-bound save for psych appointments and Sundays with my (now deceased) grandparents. 65 hours sounds absolutely exhausting. I had a part time job 4 years ago cat sitting, and the 3-4 hours was mostly voluntary, but the lady did pay me extra. I loved her cats, but when I got home, I was drained. Thank you for writing this post. Typical and atypical people can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

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