Confessions

How do I begin?

What should I say?

Should I say anything?

“Maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.”

I really don’t have any motivation for this.

How do I let people know that it’d be nice to hear a “Hey bud, how you doin’?” every once in a while without sounding desperate or needy?  Is there a way to let people know while avoiding all the unpleasantries? I mean, I’m not desperate for your attention. I don’t need it. However, I thought friendship was a two-way street?

I’m not “sub-tweeting” at all. There’s not a single person that any this is aimed at. I don’t even know if you can call this “aiming”, really. I need to get my thoughts out of my head and just talk to someone…Anyone.

Yet, even on my own blog, my own personal writing space, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

I don’t want to post everything that I’m thinking here for the entire world to see. I’ve done that before and it hurts people. I wish I could let my thoughts fly off of the handle but that’s not responsible or mature. Plus, I don’t like knowing that I hurt someone…

So what do I do with these thoughts? How do I express myself when I feel like I’m being told to keep everything inside? Am I doing so out of fear or respect? Why doesn’t anyone ask me how I’m doing?

And I don’t mean the obligatory greeting of “How are you?” but rather the deep, spiritual “I care about your existence” “how are you doing?”

My job requires a decent amount of travel and seeing as to how I’m a single man, that can make for some pretty lonely “me-time.” To be honest, I’ve had enough of me. I’m really learning about and digging deeply into the idea of selflessness. I hate living for myself even though I do it every day. In recent weeks, the Lord has really laid a passion on my heart for other people.

It’s invigorating. I love pouring myself out and feeling like I’ve accomplished something larger than myself. I feel like this is exactly what the Lord meant when He said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” I know that my purpose on this earth is to spend it pouring myself out and giving as much as I can.

Why do I feel so lonely, then?

Why do I feel like the vast majority of my solid friends really couldn’t care less?

School?

Work?

Life?

Probably all of the above.

I’ve got Bon Iver’s rendition of “I can’t make you love me” on repeat. I’m learning that, too.

“I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.”

I knew that traveling would get difficult. I didn’t think it would come this quickly. I’m only two weeks into this and I feel as if the novelty of my existence has faded.

I can already hear other people’s subconscious….*melodrama, melodrama, melodrama*

“Oh, it looks like Matty’s depressed again.”

“Oh, there he is putting all of his hope in people again.”

“When will this guy get it and stop whining?”

You’re not the only ones asking those questions. Since that’s the case, let me provide a succinct answer to every single one of those.

1.) No, I’m not depressed. If I was, would you even care?

2.) Actually, I’m not. I don’t need your attention. I love the Lord and He is the only one that gives me my full strength. So, because I’m an extroverted person who loves people and misses my friends that makes me a needy, desperate person? Mmk.

3.) Honestly, I don’t even have the answer to this one. Good luck figuring it out yourself.

I saw a quote the other day on someone’s t-shirt. Do you remember the inspiring t-shirt quote thing I started and then lost all motivation for last week? Yeah, well this one hit me pretty hard.

“Walk in strong. Crawl out stronger.”

Talk about an adrenaline pumper.

I adore this quote. It makes me want to hit a gym. It makes me want to go through the loneliness and fully trust in the Lord. It makes me want to work myself so hard that I have to physically and mentally crawl out of my arena stronger than before.

It also fills me with fear. I know the effort it takes to get to that level. It’s painful. It’s torture. It’s worth it.

It’s been a difficult few days on an emotional level. I know that I’m getting off focus. I know that I’m losing my perspective. I’ve stopped praying as much as I have been. I’ve started thinking about my needs more. I can’t afford to do that. I don’t want to lose sight of the things that God has graciously pounded into my head.

I’m in a fight, my friends and I needed to get this out there. I needed someone to listen; even if that someone was a blank white page with a blinking cursor.

If you’re reading this and can relate, I hope that this encourages you in some strange way. You’re not alone. I don’t care if other people think that you’re “desperate” or “needy” for saying you’re lonely. You’re none of those things. Forget what they think and come hang out with me. We can go get some ice cream or something.

If you’re reading this and feel like you need to text or call me, I can’t tell you what to do but I might appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I know that I was supposed to post the next Mid-Week Motivator chapter but ironically, I had no motivation to do so. Maybe I’m being selfish….Maybe I need to shut up before someone starts gaining a negative perception of me.

*slips on my smiley mask*

There…back to normal.

You are loved. You are treasured. The Lord sees where you and I are. We’re in this together. Keep fighting.