Am I Being Heard?


I stare at this empty screen torn between my emotions, my memories, and my anxiety.

I have a lot on my mind.

I hate feeling like I can’t use certain words without thinking that there are those who are rolling their eyes. Do my words offend? Do they make you uncomfortable?

Anxiety

Depression

Suicide

Are you squirming yet?

It’s pathetic that I am now drowning in self-doubt simply because of the ones who doubt myself. I take three steps forward but in your eyes, I never got up off of the ground, to begin with.

There’s no winning with you.

There’s no winning with anyone.

I’ve found that your efforts, no matter how sincere, won’t matter to some. There will be those who raise a brow, smirk their lips, or bat their eyes in contempt no matter what you do.

The unfortunate side is that it’s all done in “love.”

Really? You stand over my life, with gavel in hand, leveling my worth as a human being with a guilty verdict simply because I used to be depressed? Oh, I’m sorry. In your eyes, I still am.

I forgot that I’m not allowed to be honest and transparent anymore.

How can you say that your actions are founded in love? This is not love. This is not caring. This–what you are doing–is contempt. It’s political peacocking. It’s pretend. It’s false pretense. It’s assumption. It’s painful.

What’s maddening is that I believe that it’s my fault. What sickens me is this constant wondering of, “Well, maybe they’re right.”

This is what I deserve, right? They say that you associate yourself with people who treat you like you feel you deserve. Maybe I’m drawn to you because you treat me as I treat myself.

Three steps forward but it’s all a dream.

I can’t help but laugh. It keeps me from falling apart. I wake up every single day with a choice. I can choose to see life as God tells me or I can listen to the outside voices saying “Screw it all.” According to you, though, it’s an easy choice. You don’t have any difficulty, do you? Life is sunshine every day, yes?

 

You must have never seen the darkness of hell.

My battle is a minute-by-minute one. It’s more difficult than I let on. You’ll never understand until you walk in these pair of shoes.

However, I wish you never walk the path I have. Please…listen to me, instead.

Whoever told you that life would be easy lied to you. Or maybe you’re the one lying to yourself? Don’t fret, if so. It happens to the best of us.

It’s funny how so many “Christians” claim the name of Jesus yet live their lives as if sorrow wasn’t a real emotion. Believe me, if you’re a “Christian” and are not actively dealing with sorrow, I reckon you’ve been fooled.

“How?” You may ask.

Should I even bother answering this again? The last time you asked you did not listen. No, don’t misunderstand me. You heard me but you did not listen.

The only place honesty and transparency have taken me is loneliness. These voices call me to pull back a little. They want me to mince my words. Maybe then you’d accept me and love me? Maybe then I’d fit into your idea of what a “Christian” should look like, talk like, and act like?

Truth be told it doesn’t matter what I do. In your eyes, I’ll never have it together. In your eyes, I’ll always be a burden. In your eyes, I’ll always live with a crutch; even if I’m running through fields of beautiful flowers.

Maybe I will. Maybe you’re right.

You don’t love the me that I am today. You don’t even see me for who I am today. You view me as you want me to be seen: helpless and desperately in need of your saving.

I don’t need your advice. I don’t need your half-hearted attempts at “counsel.” I don’t need the pity spewing from your tongue. You don’t save me. You can’t. You don’t have all of the answers. Why do you pretend as though you do?

I need someone to love me as I am. Someone who is willing to walk the journey with me no matter how dark, dirty, or despondent it may be. I can tell you that that person is not you.

Don’t even tell me that I don’t need someone. Go spend some time in isolation and then tell me that you don’t need people. Don’t you dare.

Do my words strike a chord? I’m certain that if they do, it’s not a pretty one. I don’t speak my words in hatred so therefore, I will not recant. I will not live my life as a lie. Maybe you can, but I can’t.

You may read this and feel as though I am talking to you. That is not my problem anymore, it is yours. If you don’t like what you read, don’t. If you don’t like the way that I do things, who told you that you had to stay? If you think that I’m not good enough based off of my personal struggles, can I tell you to go first look in the mirror?

You and I are not so different.

Am I being listened to? Or just heard?

10 Replies to “Am I Being Heard?”

  1. (paragraph by paragraph reply)

    I hate empty screens. looks like you’re doing a good job filling it up.

    that’s okay.

    use ’em anyway.

    nope, not even close.

    maybe you’re still on the ground. maybe that’s where you suppose to be right now. that’s okay.

    if you can’t win with them, set a new finish line.

    wrong, at the time i write this there are 22 likes. those people get your journey. the fact that you are still here makes you a winner.

    those people are not good for your well being.

    maybe their skewed definition of love. for the most part, love is not hurtful.

    they don’t understand, how much it hurts, how hard it is. their idea of depression is they got a c on a test one time. really??

    that is sad. stuffing emotions is nothing but trouble for me, leading to further trouble.

    right on! you are so right.

    well, if you get that your m&d gave you your genes, they are at least partly to blame. let’s stop assigning blame to you or anyone. a friend or family member gets the flu. for the most part no one really knows the origin of the flu. No one gets blamed. similar to the flu, really, no one is to blame for depression, either.

    nope, no one deserves depression. try making some association that feed you.

    it’s not a easy choice seen through the lens of depression. it distorts the view of your life. just because everyone doesn’t see their life through fun house mirrors, doesn’t make your view wrong…if that’s what you know.

    go call.

    plenty of people walk that walk and just read your words and are nodding their hear, just like me.

    A well meaned wish. what great insight.

    live is hard, period, end of sentence. if they say anything different, they’re oblivious ignorant or truly see their life through rose colored glasses.

    Two words, and the shortest passage in the bible,”jesus wepped”. if he did, it’s surely okay for you. if others try to stifle your sorrow, remind them, “jesus wepped”.

    remind them, “jesus wepped”. it’s a start.

    force them to actively listen. make them mirror back what you just said.

    honesty and transparency is a vulnerable. when sone one takes advantage of a vulnerable person, that is plain wrong. find someone who honors you vulnerability more often that they don’t. when you feel violated stand up for yourself. you are worthy and deserve that. it can hard, but with work, it is possible.

    rosed colored glassed. we have no problems, you have no problems. yea right. it sucks, no doubt, but do you know the number of people who lived their live with a crutch? do a web search famous people with depression. ever heard of lincoln? einstein? rowlings? that barely scratches the surface. hopefully with that, you’ll feel a little less alone.

    run through that field. maybe they’re wrong.

    not felling accepted sucks. if your talking to christian folk, remind them of jesus and unconditional love. that means love you with your depression.

    keep fighting. my wife was just like that before i convinced how wrong that was.

    we all do. you deserve that, you are worthy of that. keep looking.

    isolation sucks. go have your parent sit in a dark closet for an hour, if they can make it long, and see how they feel.

    i honor your statements. many of them are my truths, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My friend, it’s great to hear from you again! After reading this, I noticed that I had not seen you around lately or maybe Ive not been looking hard enough. I’m currently on a short break at work and won’t be able to respond in full depth. Just know I read it all and your thoughts were encouraging and challenging. It’s good to see you again.

      Like

  2. ((Big hugs)) Is it really so much to ask for people to be compassionate? They don’t have to understand it, probably won’t if they haven’t been there, to show patience, compassion, and understanding for someone they’re supposed to love. You are worth so much more than you are being treated.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It must be. They’d rather toss on a few bible band aids instead of getting to the core of my issues. Unfortunately it’s a burden for them. I was able to talk to my sister tonight and she helped. Its gonna be a day by day process for a little while….give myself some distance and breathe.

      Liked by 1 person

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