I’ve made it through the week.
What a week it has been. I didn’t mean to take a few days away from the blog but it worked in my favor. There were a lot of things running through my mind and I wanted to write but time restricted me from doing so.
In between trying to catch up on my office work and hanging out with my friends, I had a funeral to attend. Ironically, it was the least time-consuming entity on my schedule but mentally, it reserved every slot.
I spent the vast majority of the week pouring through my questions and my grief. Most days I was a wreck. Other days I simply existed. My heart grieved. I was angered. I was confused. I was regretful.
What caused it?
He was at church last week. No one noticed?
Were we really blind to his horrific pain?
Surely, someone had tried to help him. In fact, I know there were many. I’ve talked to so many who confirmed an effort on their part to keep him from suicide. Here we are, though.
It’s been a hard few days.
I walked into this week feeling the loneliest I had felt in years. I didn’t think anyone had the time to talk to me. I felt as though I were a burden that no one had the time, or energy, to carry. All I needed was a friend. All I needed was someone close.
Through this I realized that God had been trying to teach my heart a valuable lesson.
Life isn’t about me.
This was something that had begun taking root in my heart a few months prior to last week but I feel as though God were testing it. In times of trouble, loneliness, and anguish, where do we turn?
My natural instinct is to turn to other people. I don’t feel that is necessarily a bad thing but do I turn to them first instead of God? More often than not.
You see, my heart was looking for its strength and satisfaction in other people. Oddly enough (ha), those very people failed me. It was here that I was reminded that others were not created to carry the weight of my happiness.
Yes, people are very important. Relationships are incredible. Without them, I’m not sure what I would do. Are they my everything, though? If so, we have a problem.
God created us with inherit desires for community and intimacy. First and foremost, though, He created us to worship Him first and foremost. There should be nothing outside of Him. Yet, so often we look for other people, things, places, memories, etc…to provide us with happiness.
As we know all too well, those little moments of happiness are just that: little moments. Blips on the radar. Quickly passing by.
Instead of living for ourselves, why not focus our attention on others? I’ve found that these moments present a satisfaction that lasts far beyond the laughter that fades. It gives a reason to live. A hope to look forward to. It gives our lives a purpose: the purpose that God intended for us all.
The truth is, I don’t need people to live. I don’t need someone to survive. If I lost everything I would still be ok. Why? I have Jesus. Through my intense grief this week the Lord showed me a piece of himself. No matter the circumstance, he understands. He’s been where we are. He’s felt the intense emotion. He’s been sorrowful. He knows.
Sometimes I don’t like what God does or allows. In fact, sometimes I hate it. It’s not easy. It doesn’t make sense. What happened to my friend kills me. It makes me mad. It makes me sad. Despite my current circumstance, where do I turn? To other people or to God? To my anger or to the Healer?
This is not the first time that my heart has hurt. It will not be the last. Where will I turn?
Where will you?
With all of that said, I have to send a huge thank you to every single person who offered a shoulder, their prayers, and their condolences. My heart has never seen such love from those who I’ve never met. You all have been used by the Lord to comfort my broken heart.
Despite feeling intense loneliness these last few weeks, I have realized that I am the farthest person from being alone. You all are so lovely and I love you with all of my heart.
So does Jesus.