Sunday Confession: One Year Ago…

One year ago today, a very anxious, nervous, and excited young man mustered up the courage to tell you something that you already knew. 3 little words that set us on a ten-month journey.

“I like you.”

Do you remember that conversation? I remember it well. I had no intention of letting you know what my feelings were; verbally, at least. We had spent a lot of time with each other in the weeks prior but I sensed a heavy theme of hesitation.

It wasn’t present in your heart alone. I had felt it, too. I believe, though, that our mutual resistance to commitment simply flowed from a lack of understanding. One that we would quickly and happily overcome.

I can’t tell you how many nights I laid awake with anxiety.

You had rocked my world. I hadn’t experienced anything like you in quite some time. My heart wanted to be with you and so I pursued. A part of me, though, was screaming to run away. Believe me when I say that it had nothing to do with who you were. You already know this. I suppose it’s a part of my natural fight or flight tendency.

A year ago today our lives changed for the better.

I can’t accurately portray to you, in words, just how much of a difference you had on my heart. I openly admit to you, and to all of those reading this post, that I was the farthest thing from a perfect boyfriend. I had a lot of anger in my heart. I was controlling. Selfish. Bitter.

You saw right through it. You looked me in the eyes and said, “I accept you for who you are.”

Those words opened the door of my heart to accept healing. You were used by the Lord to heal this broken heart. Every last one of our memories was a medical ointment placed over an open, festering wound that I couldn’t fix on my own. You brought a smile to my face when all I wanted to feel was pain.

I genuinely hope that, despite my shortcomings, you saw the effort. I wanted to love you well. I wanted to give you everything I had. I wanted to be a better man. Selfless. Patient. Forgiving. I looked to the Lord. No, I wasn’t perfect but I wanted to be.

I’m sure, if you’re reading this, this doesn’t surprise you. In fact, this kind of feels like a conversation we used to have all of the time.

One year ago today I invested my heart into the most valuable treasure the Lord has ever placed in my life.

I mean that.

You are a gem.

No, our personalities did not mesh well. In fact, it was a constant uphill battle with us. Through it all, you stayed faithful, loyal, and trustworthy. I hope that you can say the same of me.

I saw the very depths of your soul and it baffled me. How could someone be so innocent? So naive? How can someone not assume the worst of other people? It bewildered my mind. You were a mystery. One that I wanted to figure out.

One year ago today, we solidified a bond that can’t be broken.

You and I stood through a lot. For only being together 10 months, we endured some crazy junk. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there. I can tell you that my eyes wouldn’t have been on the Lord as consistently if you hadn’t been there faithfully pointing me back. I hope that you can say the same for me.

One year ago today I told you that I had deep seated feelings for you.

Which means that almost two months ago I had to let you go.

You and I both know the circumstances surrounding our departure. There’s no need to air that out here. What remains true to this day is every word I spoke to you that evening.

Do you remember them? Think of them if you can.

In these last two months, the Lord has broken through my stubborn brain. I’ve realized that life really isn’t about me. My purpose is to serve people and to love the Lord. I wish I would have realized this sooner and loved you better. In fact, having gone through the difficulties I have these few months, there are many things that I wish…

I wish I would have been more kind

I wish I would have stopped thinking about myself all of the time

I wish I would have forgiven those that hurt us quicker

I wish I would have been a stronger spiritual leader for you

I wish I would have pointed you back to Christ more

I wish I would have enjoyed the little moments

I wish I would have been different then, instead of now

You and I both know that I will always be an imperfect man but I want you to know that your existence has had a profound impact on my heart. As you and I both struggle with seeing each other every day, I want you to know that I love you. I’m praying for you. I want the best for you.

I don’t write this with intention of making it harder for you. I hope that this has alleviated some of the pain you’ve been dealing with. I don’t regret ending our relationship. We agree that it was what needed to be done. I simply regret not having listened, loved, and learned better.

If you had told me that one year ago today I would have expressed my feelings to a shy freshman in college, I probably would have laughed. If you had told me that our relationship would revolutionize the way I view life, I would have scoffed.

Yet, here we are…

One year later.


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