Every once in a while I will go digging through my archives to read and see how far I’ve come. It’s a nostalgia trip as well as a mile marker for where I’ve been. As we approach the two-year mark of Confessions, I thought that you all may enjoy a trip down nostalgia lane with me. This post was one of my very first on Confessions and I’m still in love with it.
My heart was broken when I wrote this. It’s funny how very little changes over the span of a few years. I hope that you enjoy.
I used to think that loving was easy.
I used to think that love was something fallen into with no sharp rocks at the bottom.
I used to think a lot of things, but I was wrong.
The death that was brought on by the white wintry snow gave way to the sun that miraculously brought life. What was once brown turned to green, what was once barren now bloomed to full beauty, and change was brightly on the horizon.
It was an already beautiful time of life but then your existence stepped into my oblivion. I found myself amply sure of our co-existence and set out on a journey to slay the dragon and win the princess’ heart.
There was something about your soul that was so intriguing to a feeble man such as myself…mystery, shrouded in more mystery. One day I would figure you out but the next day you would introduce me to yet another dazzling display of brilliant beauty.
The journey felt long but in all reality, I had only walked a mile. I was slow going, not because of a lack of motivation, but because of the obstacles in front of me. You see darling, you weren’t all that easy. Mind you, my heart, full of hopeful expectation, was far too willing to cross over the vast rivers, large barricades, and steep mountains you placed before me. I ventured out and was ready to conquer.
But we all know that I was the one conquered
Such grand motivation gave way to frustration. Frustration gave way to discouragement. When discouragement was fully grown, your heart played a vile game…it provided false hope. One day I would be renewed with strength, ready to journey through life with you but then the next day turn around, only to find that you had stayed behind. It wasn’t that you just stayed back, you hid…What amazes me to this day is that you still don’t want to be found. This passionate game of hide and seek simply turned into a joke…I was a puppet dangling from strings. If that’s what it took to win your heart oh baby I would dance until the wood rotted away my soul.
To my dismay, you cut my strings. To my utmost heartbreak, you paved your own path and said, ‘Don’t follow.’ What else could I do but to walk away? Your heart was clear. Your motives intentional. You didn’t want my imperfect love.
Now I stand here on this road having watched you from afar for some time now. I realize that while you may have been so close these past few months, we could not have been farther away. Now you’ve completely disappeared from my sight and it makes me sad.
I know that we could never be anything more but that does not restrict me from dreaming of a day that could have been. When in the midst of my thought I am awoken by the stark reality that it is simply a dream. You’ve slipped into the dense fog and I regret not having stuck close by.
I regret being so imperfectly impassioned.
I regret not having been able to experience the vast heaven of your love.
I regret never telling you of my love…
I pray you find well fortune on your journey and I pray you find what you’re looking for. As for me I only find the motivation to let this go…to find closure. You, dearly beloved, have provided painful closure. Of all of my regrets, there is one that will infinitely reign above all of the others…
I regret never saying goodbye.
As we approach the beginning of December, we have big plans for the holiday season! I’m excited to roll them out and celebrate it all with you. For the time being, our next entry into the Finding Who We Are series comes this Wednesday! My little sister Marisa is contributing this week and has written an incredibly beautiful work. I hope that you join us!
Let me know what you thought about some of my rookie work down in the comments below. Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe, too!
You are loved.
You are valued.