It’s time that I open up a little bit to you all, bare my soul for the world to see.
I’ve been at this “blogging” gig for almost two years now. I’ve enjoyed every second of it as it has become my “go-to” when I am down, frustrated, or joyful. It has become that constant piece of my life that will never fade or wane. No matter the circumstances, the cursor and the blank page have always been here to welcome me back. Faithful as the rising sun. Constant as the ocean tide.
The past few years have been incredibly difficult. I don’t mean to play on heartstrings but I have come to the end of myself on a few occasions. I have felt what it’s like to meet the end of your rope but barely hang on. I have felt the sting of creeping death. I have watched it take the life of my friend. I’ve seen it attempt to take my own. Out of this darkness, this death was born a desire to produce hope.
I survived the darkness. By God’s grace, and only by God’s grace, was I able to stare the devil in the face and say, “not today.” Jesus’ unfailing love and mercy in my heart gave me a new start. Even after I had turned my back on him numerous times, He remained constant still.
I knew I couldn’t repay Him for His love but I knew that I owed the world a message. I knew that there were millions of others just like me who needed to hear the same words that I heard:
You are loved.
You are valued.
I couldn’t find any other way to share this news worldwide than blogging. I was a college kid and bankrupt. I couldn’t afford to travel the world, but I had my writing and I had my passion. I set out on a grand adventure; one of finding myself and helping others do the same.
Fast forward two years later and I have an unfortunate reality to confess: I’ve, at times, abused this journey.
Here’s where I need to get really honest…
I set out to give people hope but deep inside I hated those who had squashed mine. I couldn’t stand the thought of those who had hurt me and put me in this place of death. More or less, I hated myself for allowing them to do so.
I say that because when the critics spoke up I immediately targeted them. I labeled them as untrustworthy, “out to get me”, and hateful. I assumed that because they spoke out against me and my writing they had no idea what they were saying. They hadn’t given me a chance. They were trying to silence me.
I used these excuses as a match to light my fire. I used it as motivation. I used it to fuel my pride. I used it as an excuse to lash out at them.
I became concrete and resolute in the fact that this blog was MY space. I could use it for whatever I wanted. I could write whatever I wanted and I could get away with it. I didn’t care if it hurt anyone. In fact, I hoped that my detractors would read it and become offended. It was my way of “getting back” at those who had hurt me.
I felt like I was being silenced. I felt as if they didn’t love me. I felt that those who were speaking out had nothing better to do than drown out my voice. I persisted. I became stubborn. I hurt people.
That’s not what this blog was meant to be about and I was wrong.
My heart is so heavy as I write this. I’ve built a brand based on confusion and fire. On one hand, I’m promising that hope abounds here while on the other I squash the very same people I wish to help. I allowed my pride to wreak havoc and I allowed my immaturity to shine.
“We praise our Lord and Father with it, and we curse men who are made in God’s likeness with it. Praising and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers, these things should not be this way. Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening? Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a saltwater spring yield fresh water.” James 3:9-12
My heart has been made very aware of this. After a long period of obstinate persistence, the Lord finally broke my heart. His love doesn’t act like this. He didn’t treat the ones who hated him like this. He told me that it was time to grow up, time to mature, and time to move forward.
I am so very sorry. I have been prideful, bitter, and stubborn. I have not kept the best interests of you, my friends, at the center of my mind. I wrote what was on my heart with no thought of how it would affect you. I wished to spread hope but I believe that I only perpetuated hatred. This is not who I am and it is not who I will become. My heart is deeply grieved and I pray that you forgive me.
There will be times when I am frustrated, sad, and discouraged but publicly bashing others, directly or indirectly, is not how Jesus calls me to live. This blog is not my dartboard. This blog is not a place for the airing of my dirty laundry.
An anonymous individual left a comment for me the other day and it has stuck with me:
“Have some class, be a gentleman, and stop dragging someone you once cared about through the mud.”
Hard to read but even harder to digest. They’re right, though. It’s time that I show some class and be a gentleman.
I also pray that you all would give me another chance. I am in the midst of drastically changing how I go about my business here on Confessions. I want to make you all a few promises before I sign off for the day…
1.) I promise to continue seeking the Lord and who He calls me to be.
2.) I promise to do my best at keeping hope and love at the center of my work here.
3.) I promise to try and remain accountable.
Please notice that I promised to try. My heart is genuine in all of this but I know that I am not perfect. That is why I have you all and that is why the Lord has blessed me with such a loving, honest family. They’re not afraid to tell me the truth.
For the critics, I am listening. I will continue to listen. You are being heard.
For the ones who have stuck by me no matter my failures, I love you and thank you. You have been gracious beyond imagination and I pledge to seek after the Lord. You are being heard, as well.
With all of that said, be sure to join us tomorrow when I unveil just what it is I plan on doing with this blog this coming year.
You are so loved.
You are so valued.
Thank you for loving me.