10 (Humorous) Ways Southerners Handle Snowstorms: Remastered!


I wrote this post a year ago and I saw that it had begun picking up traction again. I wondered to myself, “Self, why is this article being looked at so much again?”

Then it hit me.

Like a pile of snow falling off the roof.

Snowmageddon 2K17 was coming.

And indeed, it came. We have about 8 inches of snow here in Winston and it’s still falling. Since the snowmageddon decided to hit us with a sequel, I decided to do the same. Here’s the article from last year, but remastered!


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10.) Preparation

The obvious choice for number 10 is the way that we southerners prepare for snow. Christmas rush at Wal-mart has nothing on snowstorm preparation. I made the mistake of walking into Wal-mart last year as the storm hit and half of Winston was shopping (and panicking, might I add). In typical Wal-mart fashion, they only had 4 lanes open, too.

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9.) Sledding down anything they can get their butts to slide down

The first thing I heard out of all of my friend’s mouths yesterday morning was, “Let’s go sledding!”. I mean, I get the novelty behind it and I can’t really disagree with the notion of excitement. It’s actually quite entertaining to watch a bunch of noobs try and climb icy hills after frolicking down the hill on their snow covered bottoms. The next time you find yourself sledding, set up a human bowling alley. Miley Cyrus’ song would be incredibly applicable at that point.

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8.) Thriving cities become ghost towns

I’m an isolationist at times. I prefer silence over bigger groups and when snowstorms hit I get what I love: Silence. I don’t see any cars, any people, or feel the stress of a normal, busy day. I guess you could say that it’s a beautiful, glorious dream. The funny thing about it, though, is that southerners treat the snow as if it will kill them on impact. Yeah, it can be dangerous but that’s only if you do something that you shouldn’t do. Other than that it’s nothing but white, frozen water. Honestly though, I’m not complaining. I love being able to drive around and not have to deal with other people on the roads. It’s heaven.

Honestly though, I’m not complaining. I love being able to drive around and not have to deal with other people on the roads. It’s heaven.

7.) Social Media Awareness

For a 21st century individual, a newsfeed full of updates and pictures about snow is as essential as breathing.

Facebook becomes a live news station. Do you want updates on the hour? How about millisecond? It’s incessant.

With that said, here’s a picture of my own from last year.

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6.) Michelin Men EVERYWHERE

In the South, the majority of the year is spent decked out in tanks, tees, and flip flops. Why? Because it’s hot all of the time! With that in mind I’m sure you can picture the complete clothing shock when everyone steps out in 15 different layers. Everyone’s out here bounding around like that kid from A Christmas Story:

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5.) Snowball fights

Who doesn’t love a good snowball fight?! Nothing says bonding time like pounding each other in the face with balls of frozen water.

 I used to live in Michigan and we would always have a grand time mashing snow into other people’s faces. When I moved to North Carolina I thought that it would be the same. Nice, soft, compact snow would fall from the sky and we would play like the five-year-old child inside of us wanted us to.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Snowball fights turn into iceball fights. Smiles of happiness turn into screams of pain.  Soft, wet reminders of where the snowball iceball landed turn into discolored bruises. Grandiose, isn’t it? Not really. It sucks. Don’t have iceball fights. They ruin everything…Friendships, relationships, families.

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4.) They close EVERYTHING

Seriously, southerners. 4 8 inches of snow falls and you close the entire city as if the world was ending. Reminds me of a certain National Lampoon movie…

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3.) THEY BUY ALL OF THE BREAD

Walking into wal-mart is a mistake during a snowstorm. Bread disappears. Even the twinkies go missing! THE TWINKIES. Hilariously enough, when the snow melts tomorrow, people are going to have a lot of extra bread on their hands.

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2.) They forget how to freakin’ drive

Let’s be frank. Southerners don’t know how to drive in the snow. Can anyone fault them? I guess not. That doesn’t excuse the fact that they still can’t drive in it. In their minds caution supersedes logic. Apparently, driving two miles an hour on a snowy road is the right thing to do.

 Caution is not the answer; at least, not the whole one.

Yes. Be safe and don’t do anything stupid (Looking at you avid participants of doing donuts) but don’t forget the logic of driving. I’ve driven many a time in the snow and never once had an issue. Why? Because I just drove. Yeah, it’s slick. Solution? Don’t take corners too hard. Yeah, it’s hard to get a lot of traction. Solution? Don’t go that fast but certainly don’t go too slow. Just drive normal, be safe, and don’t do anything a northerner wouldn’t do. 😉

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AND FINALLY

1.) They realize the beauty of family bonding time

There really isn’t much that’s more beautiful than seeing a family playing in the snow. Small children roll down hills, make snow angels, while mom and dad laugh and snap pictures.

Then they gather around a fireplace, sip hot chocolate, play board games, watch movies. Lovely.

Lovely.

The first day goes well. The second day is a little less exciting but there’s still an aura of mystery. By the third day, the families realize that snow days aren’t what they’re cracked out to be.

Between the numerous stanzas of “Let it go” and the constant squeals of “I’m bored!”, families begin to wish that the snow would just…go away. But, who’s even paying attention to all of that when we’re having so much family fun?!

The cold never really bothered us anyway. 😉

Thanks so much for reading and I hope you stay safe out there! The snowmageddon is the 2nd highest ranked killer of people…right behind the zombie apocalypse. Stay alert. 😉

How do you stay safe during the snow? Let us know in the comments!

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14 Replies to “10 (Humorous) Ways Southerners Handle Snowstorms: Remastered!”

  1. about diving…it is a known seattlites can drive in the snow, either. i think that’s true of any lowlander community, you know, any place that only gets snow once or twice a year.

    years ago, a columnist went on about seattlites now being able to drive in the snow. a few days later, there was hilarious retort in the letters to the editor. seattlites can drive in the rain? should they be surprising? they can’t drive in the rain or the sun, other.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “…don’t go too slow. Just drive normal, be safe, and don’t do anything a northerner wouldn’t do.”

    Northerners know all you need is enough momentum to get you over the white chunks, anything faster than that automatically classes you with the moron in the Lexus hittin’ 30 mph in a suicide skid. Just put on some tunes and unclench your sphincter, it’s gonna take you forever to get there, anyway, might as well enjoy the winter wonderland.

    PS: The “ditches love cars” meme is effin’ hysterical.

    Liked by 1 person

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