“Finding Who We Are” Entry #14: Love is Louder Than…

The epitome of finding our true identities lies within our ability to love ourselves the way that God made us. I believe that everyone struggles to accept who they are on some level. Today’s story is no different.

Alex Frey is one of my best friends. She has the heart of an angel and is one of the most protective individuals I’ve ever met. Before reading her entry, I had never known about her eating disorder. What I found in the words below was a deep, and lasting, impact.

I hope that you are encouraged!

I am both excited and frightened to share my story with you. This is for those of you that think you don’t measure up because of that scale you’re standing on. Well, my friend, that scale was my best friend a few years ago.

I had bulimia. 

I think back to when I would stare at my reflection and wish I could burn myself from the inside out. I wanted to cut the extra skin I had with scissors and sew myself back together even tighter. I used to think visibly seeing my rib cage was beautiful. That if I couldn’t directly see my collar bone I would vomit double of what I already had produced.

The question I ask myself now is, what made me want to violate my body, my mind, and my soul for the sake of being thin?

Well, the answer lies within my story.

I was never overweight as a young child, and my mother made it clear that I was beautiful. I can remember looking at my Barbie and saying to myself that she was the truest form of beauty. That her tiny waist, tall physique, and signature blonde hair was ideal. I was small, and I had sandy brown hair as a child. I would think,”Wow, I am so close to looking like her” and “What can I do to look like her?”

Skip to my early teens. Here come the hormones, boy drama, and the measure of beauty. I am now taller than most of my friends because I come from a tall family. I am 14 and a freshman in high school. My habit started the day my friends and I were in gym class.

We all lined up for our yearly BMI, and I was profusely sweating from anxiety.

First my height…

I measured 5’9.

Now for my weight…

The scale showed I was 117 pounds.

I got off the scale, and the nurse said, “Honey, you’re a little overweight…” I looked at her confused, and she showed me the chart. I was five pounds overweight.

I left her and joined my friends. We compared our discoveries. All of my friends were under, or at the exact weight, they should’ve been. Being 14 and hearing that I wasn’t good enough was the worst day of my life.

I went home that day to look up ways for quick weight loss. I came across a Tumblr blog dedicated to bulimia. The girl was amazingly beautiful. She was who I wanted to be! I read through her blog and unearthed the technique.

I started that night. I was excited to eat dinner and then run to my bathroom to lose everything I had consumed. I did this every once in a while when I was feeling overweight, and then after every dinner. I eventually became consumed with the action after every meal.

One day I can remember that I was craving cake. I was going to eat a slice, and then do the deed. I ended up eating the entirety of the sweet. I started crying in my kitchen and came to find myself feeling very sick.

I could feel my stomach exploding, and then I regurgitated the pastry. I couldn’t keep down the cake. I quickly cleaned up the vile I had laid across my kitchen floor and I ran to my bedroom. I was becoming afraid. I couldn’t eat because of my body’s habits.

Here is where I relieve the tension.

When I couldn’t keep food down for more than 10 minutes I sought for help. I eventually became better because it was either I live in the hospital for a year or eat. I’m guessing you can understand the option that I chose.

I want to go on about the struggles I had faced, but that is not the reason I am writing this story. The reason for my tale is to express how God spoke to me at the end of my journey.

When I was on the floor of my bedroom thinking about how I could just end all of my problems, God spoke. I pleaded with Him to take the life that I was living and put an end to it. He showed me that I was worth more than the weight, the spectrum of beauty, and the pressure to be perfect.

I want to explain that I was not suicidal. I wanted to end the addiction to this world’s form of perfection. I still struggle to this day with the urges and the nasty thoughts that once consumed me. Satan would love to pull me back to where I was, but I won’t listen. God loves me for who I am, and that is all that matters.

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect.

Thank you, Alex, for being one of the bravest souls I’ve ever known! If you found hope in reading Alex’s story, be sure to leave a comment down below and then subscribe to Confessions.

Want to contribute to the “Finding Who We Are” project? Email me at confessionsmalin@gmail.com.

You are loved.

You are valued.

14 Replies to ““Finding Who We Are” Entry #14: Love is Louder Than…”

  1. Wow, such a brave post. I can relate to her story..and I’m glad I stumbled upon this post..she’s not alone with her stories. More woman and men have these issues. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Alex, thank you so much for sharing this. I appreciated reading about the lead up to your eating disorder, as that is the part we rarely hear about. (And I pretty much hate that nurse right now). Living a life as a very overweight person, I often wonder if I could go down this road. I don’t, mainly because a big part of the problem is my meds, and that’s just never going to change. But hearing about your experience, the road that led you to bulimia, and the road back, is something I will keep with me always. Thank you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hello, Leslie! I know what you’re feeling right now trust me…I am not a skinny girl anymore and it’s been a learning experience. A lot of my girl friends are gorgeous, petite, and don’t struggle with weight. When I think about purging again I will draw a tally mark on my wrist and at the end of the day I will count how many times I wanted to hurt myself. Then I will think is is worth it? It’s not. Some days I have had 15 tally marks…..yes, I know. After I wash the tally marks I will draw a heart on my wrist. That marks the success of not purging. This story is meant to help and I’m glad it helped you in some ways. But remember this, God gave you a strong body. Treat your body with love and understanding. Our bodies as humans will never be perfect. But, our God is perfect. That’s all that matters. I hope you have a great week and you are very loved, dear one!!!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I really felt sick spiritually sharing this, but with all the positive feedback and love I have been given has helped greatly. I believe as a community we can overcome all kinds of eating disorders. First, starting with the ideal of what a woman/men should look like. Then we can start to grow.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Absolutely. I definitely think by sharing your testimony you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable and people can relate. People think that they are alone and many times other people have been through the same thing and can relate. Your post is definitely helping someone.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Thanks so much for responding. Yes, I do believe the privacy would’ve helped. School systems can be evil. Especially, public school systems. I believe the support I had gotten from my therapist and God definitely broke down the walls I was building in order to become so thin. I hope this has positively impacted you and to always remember that you are loved! Have a great week!! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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