Learning to Love Where I’m At, Not Who I’m With


Valentine’s Day is coming.

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There’s a reason why I’m not posting this on said holiday, and that’s because I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. Now, before you begin thinking I’m another bitter soul, let me say that I have no quarrel with it.

Honestly. I’m perfectly fine with the holiday.

In fact, if I were in a relationship I’m sure I would have treated my girlfriend to a nice dinner. I don’t see anything wrong with it, and I don’t mind that all of the couples around me will celebrate it.

I’m not bitter. Promise. 🙂

Now that we have that foundation settled let’s dive into the issue at hand.

I’m single.

I have been for almost seven months now.

Believe it or not, I’m ok with it.

When I ended my previous relationship, I didn’t swear off dating. I didn’t take an oath of celibacy for a pre-determined amount of time. I didn’t slip into despair, wondering if I would ever find love again.

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None of those.

 However, I would be lying if I said that it’s been easy to deal with. Let’s be honest, here. We live in a culture saturated by the mindset that our worth is wrapped up in our relationship status.

The ones who have a significant other are the lucky ones, while the rest of us are the cursed leper’s bound to spend an eternity alone.

I’m being dramatic, but I digress.

With the world that we live in, how could you not try to pursue a relationship? And with this world, how could you not become frustrated when your attempts are met with unfavorable results?

I’m not frustrated with the fact that I can’t seem to find a stable, functioning relationship. I’m frustrated with the mindset that attempts to persuade me that I have to have one. 

Really? Do I?

No. Not at all.

It’s a lesson that has taken many years for me to fully understand. I mean, I was chasing girls and pursuing love when I was in the third grade. I still remember her name, I still remember her face, and I still remember the pain she caused!

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Moving on.

When my parent’s told me that I had reached the age where I was allowed to date (yes, that’s how I was raised. I’m fine with it.), I leaped at the opportunity.

All of my energy, emotion, and passion went into finding “the one.” Needless to say, it was a bumpy ride. Ask my family. I seemed to trade girlfriends like someone would trade their Pokémon cards. It was bad. I’m not proud of it, but I was sixteen. What else did I know?

It was unfortunate because I ended up a heartbroken mess. After four years of desperation, I found myself in a muddled mess of my own self-respect. I had given it all away in the pursuit of having someone by my side.

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson at age twenty, but I’d be lying. Fast forward another four years, three more relationships, and here we are.

I’m not going to dive into the semantics of my previous relationship. I struggled to figure out who I was, I made a lot of mistakes, and I learned an incredible amount.

Of those lessons was a message my beautiful momma has been preaching to me ever since I could waddle.

“Never settle. You’re worth far more than any girl could ever offer. Your value is in Christ.”

I’m paraphrasing, of course, but that’s what it boiled down to. What I didn’t do when she told me those things was listen. Oh, how I wish I would have listened to my momma. I can see her shaking her head, smiling, and thinking, “duh!” ❤

I have nothing new to bring to this table of love. I have no sage advice that you haven’t already heard. I don’t have any cliché phrases to use in an effort to make you feel good about yourself. All that I have are the personal experiences and lessons I’ve learned.

Those very things speak to this one truth: You don’t need a significant other to survive.

I’ve done it for seven months. I’ve thrived, I’ve struggled, I’ve matured. I did all of those things when I was in a relationship, too. The simple fact is that life moves whether you have love or not. What you and I do with that is solely up to us.

Do I wish that I could be in a relationship? You bet! There have been a few opportunities in these past few months, but I chose not to pursue them. Why? Because I knew that I’d be settling. I also knew that, for whatever reason, this is the time of life that God has put me in.

I’m learning to love where I’m at instead of who I’m with. God knows what He’s doing. Who am I to doubt to Him? Note that I said “doubt” instead of “question.”

There are days where I find myself asking the Lord “when?” I can’t sit here and tell you that I’m 100% content with being single. I have good days, and I have bad days. I’m a normal human being. I’m ok with that. You should be too.

Don’t strive to find significance in someone else. The only thing that you will find there is frustration. No person can fully satisfy you. You’re two individuals looking to satisfy their own selfish desires. Two negatives added together still equal a negative.

What you absolutely must do is this: Learn to be content with where you are, find value in something higher than yourself, and enjoy your freedom.

You have no control over yesterday or tomorrow. You’ve been given today, and that’s it. Love where you’re at. Make the most of it.

I believe that God gives us all value. I hold firm to that belief and I would hope that you would too. He loves you.

There’s truth to the idea that single individuals have more freedom. Do more with the time you’ve been given.

I’m not in the process of finding myself. I’m not trying to better myself so that I can be in a relationship one day. I’m living my life one day at a time; taking the opportunities that God gives me, and doing the best with what I have.

That’s all that we can do.

So, enjoy Valentine’s Day for what it is: Another day on this beautiful Earth.

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16 Replies to “Learning to Love Where I’m At, Not Who I’m With”

  1. I agree it is all in God’s timing and it will happen when it is meant to be. I too am single and certainly wanting a relationship but do not want to settle just to say I am in one. Stay strong my friend.

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  2. I’m not sure how to feel this year. It’s Valentine’s Day. I get to spend it with my 8 year old son, and that’s been beautiful and bittersweet.
    Last year we spent this day with my fiance.
    She died on July 17 – suicide/overdose – heroin, methadone, morphine, norco, klonopin, crack cocaine…she took everything.
    An hour after her body was found, her voicemail finally came through. She’d called the night before…she needed me. I failed.
    She was my soulmate…my lover…my friend of nearly 30 years. I miss her tonight and the day seemed to surround me with a cloud…and ache…for her. I yearn and wander in dreams.
    I feel so alone right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nathan, my heart is breaking for you. Am I right to assume that you had not received her voicemail until after they found her? If so, that is a terrible burden to bear on your shoulders. It’s not your fault, friend. I know those words are empty coming from a stranger, but I’ve wondered those same very things. I lost a friend to suicide in August, and I wondered if I could have done anything different.

      In the end I realized what I could have done and I am trying to be that person to all people. You are so loved. Jesus loves you. He knows your pain deeply. I can feel your pain through your words. I know loneliness, but you can trust that you aren’t alone. I’m here. You have your son. It’s going to be ok.

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      1. She must have shut off her phone after she tried to call. I got her voicemail an hour after her body was found, when her phone was finally turned back on.
        I do blame myself in a lot of ways. The medical examiners report I received in December revealed what she was she was wearing when her body was found….she was waiting for me.
        Thank you for your kindness..

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      2. Oh, my friend. I have no words, and I know that no words can suffice. However, I do not say the next phrase lightly: I will be praying for you. I hope that you can find peace. You always have a refuge here.

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  3. St. Valentine was a great man of God who was known for his love and service to other Christians and Unbelievers as well but he was martyred for His testimony of the Lord he loved…. that is what Valentine’s day is about! I mean the chocolate is good too….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s day either. After being married for 28 years to my soulmate, I find that it is a waste of money. I don’t need the sugar and cut flowers just die. All I need is the companionship of my husband. Who, by the way, I met accidentally and fell in love with almost immediately. We were put together by God, no doubt in my mind.

    When it comes time for you to meet the right person, you will know it. It will feel right, things will fall into place and you will have no doubts. I’m a believer. ~Tina

    Liked by 1 person

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