A Brutally Honest Post…(My Heart Hurts)

There’s no false pretense here. There’s only one way to say this. I can’t beat around the bush in an attempt to appease those that may feel uncomfortable reading this. I wish I could, but I can’t.

I’m not ok.

My insecurities are telling me that I just lost half of the people that clicked on this article. I should feel upset about that, but I need this. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, staring into my soul, and taking its mangy finger and pressing down hard on my heart.

If you feel uncomfortable by my honesty, you should try living in it.

Odds are, there are many of you reading this who often feel this way but don’t think you can openly admit it. That’s ok. I’m beginning to relate to that notion on a spiritual level.

I keep pressing the repeat button on Spotify because a song understands me more than I understand myself.

I’m just so sad.

I haven’t visited this place in so long. It’s lonely. Don’t get me wrong, though. There are a lot of other people around down here. It’s just that we’re all living within this idea that if we smile and pretend, the darkness will go away. It’s unfortunate because I keep bumping into the same people, and the same cold, musty walls, over and over again.

I suppose I should consider myself fortunate. I know why I’m sad. I know what to call this weight upon my chest. I can label it. I can describe it. I can call it by name.

It calls me by name, too.

My grandfather is close to dying. He was given 2-4 weeks to live 2 weeks ago. Hospice has been called in. I saw him on Sunday. He’s beautiful.

I hope he, or any of my immediate family, doesn’t read this. We’ve all been trying to be strong for each other. We can’t afford to break down and cry in front of the others. If we break, everyone breaks. I’m not complaining. It’s just hard to be strong right now.

He’s a father figure for me. He’s been there since my birth, and Sunday may have been the last time I’d ever get to talk with him.

We all know that God is good. Papa says it all of the time. God is good.

That’s not a trite saying…Right now it’s all that we have to cling to.

My heart is breaking for others reasons that I can’t elaborate upon. These are things that can only be relieved through prayer and by God’s hand. There is nothing that I can do to fix the situation so I have to sit back and trust that the Lord will do what’s best. To be honest with you, that’s hard. Ever doubted God’s ability? You’re not alone.

He’s able, though.

He’s more than able, and I believe that He’s willing.

Can I continue being honest with you?

I hate feeling as though I don’t have many outlets to outsource this pain. I have many, many close friends whom I love dearly. That feeling, I trust, is mutual.

You may say then, “How come you don’t feel like you have many outlets?” Valid question.

  1. My pain is a burden.

It takes a special kind of person to deal with my crap. I don’t blame someone if they don’t want to shoulder this with me. I can barely shoulder it myself. Why would anyone else do so? Especially when they have their own pain to deal with.

2. Who has the time?

Not being snarky, just being real. Who has the time to truly invest the time that produces true and genuine peace? I have had many conversations with people, and they offer me great encouragement. Unfortunately, that encouragement feels like a band-aid rather than a salve.

And even if someone was willing to go the distance, it’s hard to get them on the phone or in person. Time is a bastard as it pertains to healing.

So, I put on a smile. I lace up my bootstraps and I go about my day. I laugh and I joke. I ask others how they’re doing and give a hearty “doin’ well” when the question is returned. I do what I have to do because this isn’t anyone else’s problem.

I can’t force this on anyone.

Do I wish that I had someone who could help me process all of this? Do I wish that I had someone I could share life with and rely upon when life hurts like hell? More than you know. The Lord hasn’t provided that yet, so, here I sit processing all of this alone.

I don’t blame anyone, nor am I angry. That in and of itself is a huge step forward compared to last year. Even as I write this, I feel bad for dumping this on your lap. You don’t go to the web to find reality. You come to escape it.

Forgive me.

There really isn’t a resolution to this post. I wish I had some encouragement to give; a mighty hoorah to end it all with, but I don’t. I have no answers; only questions, fears, and doubts. I persist with bringing them to prayer. That’s the only way anything will get fixed. In the meantime, I’m going to slip into my hotel bed and trust that God knows my pain.

I guess I’m just looking for a hug and an “I love you.”

You are loved.

You are valued.

 I would love to meet you and hear your story. Feel free to comment down below! Subscribe at the top of the page if you loved what you read.

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22 Replies to “A Brutally Honest Post…(My Heart Hurts)”

  1. Praying for you, Matty, I hope things get better soon. Depression always has a way of making people feel like they’re being a burden, but that’s not really true. If nothing, lean on this blog, you’ve got people here who have been there and understand you and are more than happy to let you lean on them with your words (as hokey as that sounds). ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That’s why I love this place. The friendships I’ve made will last a lifetime! I believe that I’ve known you for the longest on here! One of these days we need to meet up and hang out. You know, since we live so close. lol

      Liked by 1 person

  2. thanks for your post. too many times people want to hear the good stuff and not the bad stuff. that’s the difference between a “friend” and a friend. a friend is willing to and doesn’t run away when something less than life is peachy comes our way.

    thank you for the reminder of time and friendship. time is one way to prove the friendship has true value. i needed to hear that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry about your grandfather. The grief process is terribly hard when you are close to someone and grief tends to cause introspection and a magnification of all of the bad in every other aspect of your life. Sending love and strength!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost my mom 3 years ago. i am alone much of the time and cannot go out by myself. I wonder why I am still alive. I have no purpose aside from honoring God, which I do in prayer everyday. I’m in that deep pit. If I didn’t worry about hurting God or risking either hell or loss of reward, I would go with assisted suicide. Autism is not all ausome and pride. It is a very real neurobiological disorder that can be very life limiting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your condolences. I reciprocate them right back to you. Im sorry to hear of your mom. I understand where you’re coming from and I dont blame you. However, hold on to the truth of Jesus’ love for you and mine. You are certainly loved and your existence is valued.


  5. I don’t know if I’ve been there deeply as you are… but what I know is I’ve been there also, the prolonged sadness. I have friends who I could talk to, but chose not to. It is not that I don’t trust them, but it is more like I don’t like to be a burden to them. Because I know we all have different battles to fight and I don’t like them to take the battle they don’t need to fight.
    Writing, reading, praying and arts have been my refuge all this time. It’s hard, I know. And I’m glad you are talking about it. I don’t have any encouragements to say, but what I know is I know how you feel. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I definitely understand the not wanting to be a burden. I feel as though that is something I have been for a long time, a burden. I hate that. I try to be there for anyone and everyone. I don’t want anyone feeling as if they have no one. The unfortunate thing is, sometimes that isn’t reciprocated. That’s ok, though. Life isn’t about me.

      I appreciate you not trying to muster up words that aren’t coming naturally. Sometimes that’s more of an encouragement. Thank you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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