I’m so frustrated with myself right now.
Rather, my inability to clearly communicate what I’m trying to say.
It seems that no matter how genuine my efforts are, or how honest my intentions, I always find a way to say something the wrong way that causes trouble.
I thought that I was getting better. Nope.
Matty strikes again.
If you read my post last night, you know that I’m not doing so well emotionally. There’s a lot going on right now, and I feel as though I could explode. My mind works in incredibly stupid ways, and last night was no different.
I’m not sorry for what I wrote, I just wish I could have been more clear.
I tried, but I obviously fell short.
As the today progressed, the contents of said post were on my mind. I’ve re-read the post numerous times, as I often do, but it just hit me that some of my words could be taken the wrong way.
I’m going to try and clarify. I’m going to try and do it with as much tact and discernment possible, as to not hurt anyone.
I made an incredible realization about myself today that explains why I don’t feel as though I have many listening, and comforting, ears.
I grew up as a child finding a lot of ways to get into trouble. One persistent area of nuisance was my ability to shove my presence on some unsuspecting family for the afternoon; typically, Sunday afternoons.
I loved going to my friend’s houses. It was a break from the normal, and I usually got to play with their toys. Win-win, right?
Well, the unfortunate problem with said plan is that it’s not necessarily…”ok”…to invite yourself over to someone’s house for the day. I had to be reminded of said fact over and over again.
It just wasn’t cool.
I caught on eventually and stopped. I would either wait to be invited somewhere or invite someone to my house. It was policy. It was common sense.
In the last few months, I’ve tried to be tight-lipped on things that I’m dealing with. Not everyone needs to know every detail of every frustration I have. I can handle things. Some things are meant to be handled, others need to be worked through. There’s a fine balance.
This kind of mentality shift was hard to implement. It went against who I felt I was, but through some difficult moments and conversations, I realized it was needed and was ok.
So, I changed it up and have been trying to improve. *pats back*
This then brings me to last night. I was weighed down. I was (am) sad. I tried to tactfully express my emotions in a way that came across as mature, but it seems I may have inadvertently spit in some people’s faces.
This wasn’t my intention at all.
Hearkening back to my childhood lesson, I’ve now adopted the policy that I can’t just barge into people’s lives and unload my problems on them. I have to be asked first. Nobody wants me coming into their house and trashing the place with my emotional baggage and stress-induced questions.
It’s just not cool.
The reason I feel as though I don’t have many outlets is because of that very fact. I feel as though I would be intruding upon their lives when maybe, just maybe, they need to be heard instead of me talking.
If someone asks me how I’m doing, it becomes a relief to talk to people about my problems. More often than not, though, I feel like a burden.
I hate that.
So, last night when I mentioned not feeling like I had many outlets, it was simply out of frustration of feeling like a burden. I have many people that I can willingly go to and talk to, but I don’t because I don’t want to be an inconvenience. It’s pride.
I’m still navigating this thing called mature communication: the what’s right and what’s wrong of conversation. It’s a work in progress. Thank you for being patient.
And for those who actively listen to me, have issued their condolences and aid, thank you. I don’t devalue your intentions. I hope that you know that. I love you and I feel your encouragement.
I hope that this has helped enlighten you. It certainly has enlightened me. Now I need to do something about it.
You are loved.
You are valued.
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