Where is Hope to be Found?

There’s something to be said about the heart of man.

Kind/ Loving/ Gracious/ Selfless/ Enduring/ Strong/ Patient/

Those are some of the attributes you will find contained within a human heart. The soul of man has such incredible potential. We’ve been made in the image of God, right? We’ve been given the capacity to extend some of the greatest examples of love to other people. Do we use it? From time to time, sure. There are incredible stories of sacrifice and love, but what is man most often known for?

| Hatred | Lust | Envy | Murder | Selfishness | Hopelessness |

Turn on the news at any given moment in the day and I’m sure you’ll be overwhelmed with information on recent murders, rapes, and/or thefts. Can we all agree that man is corrupt? Our capability for love and selflessness has been overthrown by vile, vindictive, volition.

It’s a two sided war raging between who we were made to be and who we are.

I’ve been a “Christian” now for almost fourteen years. I’ve claimed the name of God since I was a young child and grew up in a very stable pastor’s home. Honestly, I’ve been blessed.

I grew up in this home, and I spent most of my life believing what I was told because it was my environment. Church, to me, was home. It came naturally to believe that there was a God and that He loved me unconditionally. As I grew up and began facing more serious issues, I started to wonder if God was really who He said He was. 

“Make me broken so I can be healed…”

Many of you know about my suffering through heavy bouts of depression for the last five years. I won’t spend any more time divulging into the known details. What I will say is that my depression and twisted worldview have greatly set me back in my walk with God, but in a good way. 

For so long I followed the rules, participated in ministry, sang the songs and I believed all of them. As I write this to you, I have no doubt in my mind that I believed it. The issue was that it never really grabbed hold of my heart in a way that changed me.

“Cause I’m so calloused, and now I can’t feel…”

I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m a terrible person. Sure, I do nice things, and I try to help people, but I know my deepest, sinful thoughts. I fully can’t comprehend how a holy God can love someone as dirty and hopeless as myself. I’ve been asking hard hitting questions these recent weeks. I’ve fully come to a place where I absolutely have to know what I believe and why I believe it. I’m caught in this game of back and forth in my sin.

“Make me lonely so I can be Yours…”

One minute I want to love Jesus.

The next minute I want to indulge in my sin even though I clearly know it’s wrong.

The next minute I’m begging Jesus for forgiveness.

“Lord, please keep making me…”

And so the pattern continues; Lather, Rinse, Repeat. I’m sick of it. I fully believe what the Bible says is true. I fully believe that Jesus is who He says He is. So then why can’t I find victory over my sin? Why am I such a whore when it comes to my relationship with God? Why can’t I just be free from struggle? I’m simply worn out from fighting myself and losing time and time again.

“Cause I am so easily satisfied

By the call of lovers so less wild

That I would take a little cash

Over your very flesh and blood”

On any given day I would so quickly choose the momentary pleasure of sin over the lasting blessing of peace in God. 

My sin cost a perfect man his life yet that does nothing to spur me away from evil.

Can I tell you, though, what I’ve seen over the past few weeks playing out in my heart? The realization of a love and grace so breathtaking that I can’t do anything but worship. I’ve experienced a satisfaction and sense of forgiveness far greater than I ever have before. In years past, I would simply open up my Bible, read a verse or two, and pray. It did absolutely nothing for me. In fact, I think it hurt me more than it benefitted me. I wasn’t digging deep enough.

But since I’ve been tackling these real life issues, and coming before God boldly with my lack of faith, I’ve experienced Him much deeper. It’s sincerely baffling to my mind how gracious God is despite the fact that I spit in His face every day. He still continues to love me despite knowing who I am at my core. He loves me as I am, but thank God He doesn’t leave me as I am.

He is gracious enough to be active in my life. He is faithful enough to humble me, to bring me low, and to make me realize that this world is indeed not about me. This life isn’t about the stats on a blog or the likes on a status update. This life is about God, grace, and the change that comes when we surrender to His heart. I can’t even begin to tell you the change I already feel. I can finally say that I’m finding my contentment in Christ.

I hope you are encouraged by this. I want you to be pointed to the real Jesus because of this. I want you to know that there is a God who loves you and is actively pursuing you. Yes, you. He wants you, and He will stop at nothing to gain your heart. Trust Him.

Take my shambled word for it. He’s worthy of it.

I We are a mosaic of broken pieces, but by God’s grace, we can be made into something tragically beautiful.

Do you believe that?

He is making me whole. 

“If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

To tell you my story is to tell of Him” -BDW


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