Tuesday Confession: When Words and Tears Fail

I’m trying to find the words to write to you, but I’m struggling because today is one of those days where I feel stuck inside of myself.

I woke up facing an internal battle after yet another night of weird dreams, anxious sleep, and an overall “hungover” kind of feeling. I’m tired, but who isn’t nowadays?

I’ve been reading blogs this morning, and in natural form, your posts have inspired some deeper thinking. I can’t get away from this longing to disappear, to run away.

Amber, a newfound friend, wrote an exceptional post on this topic that stirred my mind. You can find her article here: Growing Pains & Stretch Marks

We all experience, at some point, a longing to go back to what we may deem “the good ‘ole days.” This may not be the case for all of us, but for most, I can assume we could quickly pinpoint a specific time in which life was easy, carefree, and weightless.

Our ignorance shielded us from the unknown. Our innocence was a defense against pain.

I specifically recall my childhood. I spend many days retreading through favored memories; smiling, wishing to have another chance to relive some of those moments.

Especially now.

Pain and grief have an unsettling way of knocking on your door and then proceeding to enter even if they weren’t necessarily welcomed. Then again, who willingly welcomes either of them into your house anyway?

They kind of barge in unexpectedly.

I’m at a point right now where my faith and my trust in God are the only things I’m clinging onto. I don’t have any words. I don’t have anything wise to say. People ask me how I’m doing and I with saying that I’m fine.

It’s not out of this desire to be intentionally mysterious with my emotions or to drag them into asking further. I’m being honest…I’m just fine.

It’s when they ask me about my grandfather that gets to me.

At that point, I can only shrug and come up with an answer that I feel is appropriate. Not too honest because I’ll break down, but not too dishonest because I hate lying.

I hear about death now and I can’t even muster up an emotional response. I want to, and I try, but I can’t.

All that I can say about it is, “I understand.” I’m not coming from a place of strength so I can’t really go any further than that.

In all reality, I’m coming from a desperate place of clinging on to what Jesus says about pain.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Jesus, save my spirit.

It’s in this moment that I wish that I could go back about 15 years. Back when he was healthy, back when we always teased my Grandma about being a Florida State fan.

I wish I could just go back and relive it.

I’m fighting an inner battle right now as I type this. There are no edits. There are no cutbacks. What you’re reading is what’s pouring out of my heart and mind right now.

I’m fighting to trust in what I know over what I feel. I’m also trying to avoid beating myself up for being emotionally tossed about. I’m also trying to be strong so that I can do my job without being seen as a liability.

I feel like the waves in the middle of a storm. I feel like I might drown when that final bolt of lightning strikes.

All the while, though, I feel safe because I know Jesus is with me. I feel safe because I know that Jesus feels this pain.

He knows.

He knows.

He knows.

My family needs your prayers and support. He’s not just our grandfather, he’s our best friend. He’s a dad. He’s a husband.

If you’re going through something similar, or something worse, don’t feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m here. I want to help. Contact me. confessionsmalin@gmail.com

Don’t you ever forget that You are loved.

You are valued.

26 Replies to “Tuesday Confession: When Words and Tears Fail”

  1. You have so many here that care for you and are here for you, even when you feel like there’s absolutely no one. You have my love, care, and ear. Praying for you 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I want to encourage you, but I have no words to say, I have not been able to sleep cause of what’s on my mind which makes me know I am likely to forget to pray.
    But, I know this, God is faithful and he never leave you nor forsake you.
    And I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being…and that God’s strength may be made perfect and meet you where you need it most.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am keeping your family in prayer. I lost my grandfather, grandmother and mother. It was like God wrapped me in a caccoon for a time and unwrapped it layer by layer so the pain wouldn’t consume me all at once. God bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “I woke up facing an internal battle after yet another night of weird dreams, anxious sleep, and an overall “hungover” kind of feeling. I’m tired, but who isn’t nowadays?” are you sure that you haven`t read my mind… that is just how I have been feeling! I hope you get your “groove” back and bit easygoing mood 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. praying for you and your precious family! whether you’re in the boat with the storm tossing it back and forth or out of the boat and happen to look at the towering waves, JESUS is always in your midst… the eventual Calm we all need

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This post brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain, my grandma is battling cancer and it’s such a hard thing to watch her go through. I wish I could just breathe life back into her, but I know that God is the only One who can do that. I’ll be praying for your grandfather.

    And thankyou so much for sharing my post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry to hear of your grandma. 😦 It’s comforting to know that someone else understands the pain. Thank you for your prayers. I’ll be remembering your family, you, and your grandma in prayer as well!

      Most welcome. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you’re doing well. Thankyou so much for your prayers! I just wanted to say that your blog is really encouraging. I feel like I can relate to everything you write about, which is pretty rare. Keep up the good work! ☺

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s okay! I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rough past few days, I hope you’re doing alright now. And you’re very welcome!


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