Confessions

The vague silence covers me like an unsettling fog.

I’m trapped in my own thoughts…

The strange thing is that I don’t have too many thoughts anymore. It’s mostly just peaceful anxiety to a point where I feel as though something is haunting me, but can’t figure out what it is.

Oh, no I know what it is.

I just don’t want to deal with you it.

I’m often comforted by words of encouragement from those nearest to me, but nothing really seems to soothe my soul. There’s not much that calms the dull ache that constantly pervades my heart.

Time hasn’t helped.

Convictions haven’t helped.

Nothing seems to soothe over what you did to me.

People tell me that I need to stop dwelling on it and I tell them that I wish I could. Believe me when I say that I would like nothing more than to erase the very memory of what plagues my mind. If I could, I’d go back and convince myself to never make that mistake.

But I can’t.

I can’t figure out why the pain is so deep. I can’t figure out why the betrayal burns as though I were on fire.

I can’t figure it out and I think that’s why it bothers me so.

I see you all around me moving as though your life were going perfectly as planned. You don’t care about the pain that you’ve caused. For all that it’s worth, you freed yourself of what you considered to be the worst thing that ever happened to you.

Why would you be sad?

I’m such a monster, right? Of course, you’d go on with your life and pretend like I never existed. It fits your persona perfectly…Squash the problem, shove it in your skeleton closet and pretend it never existed.

Par for the course in my mind.

I don’t hate you, I just wish I could forget you.

Some may read this and flinch. Welcome to my world.

Every thought of you brings the same reaction out of me.

I’d love to move on, but I feel locked in. I don’t even feel God anymore…I wonder if He’s given up on me?

I wouldn’t blame Him…

I would have given up on me a long time ago.

I look at my Bible and wish that I could be all that I’m supposed to be. I tell that to God every day and every night. I feel like I’ve failed Him to the point in which He’s had it with me.

That’s just my pride talking…As if I was messed up enough to actually push the God of the universe away from me.

I just want the pain to stop.

The medicine helps, but it doesn’t get rid of the problem. I feel like I’m slipping.

All the while I put a smile on my face and laugh.

The depression is taking over again…I think it has been for a long time.

I sure wish I could get out of my own mind.

Look what you did to me.

Look what I’m allowing you to continue to do to me.

It’s all my fault.