Confessions

I decided to take a break from my journaling today…If you didn’t know, my last few posts have been focused around journaling through the last year of my life…Intense grief that needs to be processed and so I’m writing it out in a narrative.

If that’s your jive, you can check it out. If not, that’s cool too.

I’m stuck this evening, friends. I suppose this post won’t deviate from the norm of what I’ve been posting lately, but I suppose it brings it up to the present a little bit.

Here’s a snippet of what I wrote to a friend concerning my mental state lately…

I feel as though I’m losing my faith. I’m desperately clinging on to it on a daily basis. I was almost fired a few months back, the girl I thought I was going to marry ended our relationship, I quit pursuing being a pastor, and I can’t gain any traction of what life actually is supposed to be like…My grandfather died less than a year ago and he was my best friend. I can’t seem to go a day without diving into a fit of anxiety or having to ward off unwanted, unnecessary, completely untrue thoughts of God, myself, and other people.

There’s very little that gives me hope anymore except for the blunt conversations I have with the Lord. There’s faith inside my heart but it feels so small.

I think that sums it up pretty nicely. In the last few months, I’ve somehow learned to shed myself of the dead weight that is “needing people.” Every time I’ve “needed” someone, they found a way to needle their way out the back door.

I sit in silence wondering if what everybody says is true…if I’ll ever be a normal human being…If I’ll ever be able to be understood.

I like to make people laugh…Why? Because it makes me laugh, and God knows that I need it.

I sit here with Bon Iver pulsating through my ears thinking to myself that I find a way to screw everything up…Freak people out…

Then I remind myself that I’m overthinking it, which then leads myself to punish me for not being emotionally stable.

Endless cycle.

I fear death, otherwise, I’d welcome it.

One of these days I’ll feel better.

Maybe when I get done journaling everything…

Probably not.

In the meantime, I’ll walk into work and try to make the people laugh around me…Knowing that I’ll only be perceived as a goofball who can’t hold a serious conversation…

In all reality, my serious conversations just scare everyone off.

*Slips the mask back on*

 

It’s getting bad, Y’all.