Confessions

I had been single for a year and a half. Quite a feat for someone like me…

That may sound odd, but I wasn’t one to remain single for long prior. I had operated with the idea that I had to have a significant other in my life to remain relevant. Commitment wasn’t hard for me…For others, though…It proved more difficult. That’s why I remained single for so long…

It wasn’t for lack of trying, but I knew that there were parts of me that needed desperate attention.

So that’s why it caught me off guard when I found myself in a relationship late 2017.

Honestly, it came out of nowhere.

At random, and seemingly odd times, I had found my eye concentrating on a buddy of mine’s sister. She was stunningly gorgeous and mysterious. I had known him for years, but never once had I known her.

I didn’t even want to attend my University’s Christmas concert, but I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and sat through the two-hour ordeal.

Typically, these concerts were fantastic affairs. I enjoy listening to music, so it isn’t difficult for me to appreciate classical music. It’s not my primary choice to listen to, but I do appreciate the occasional opera/musical.

As you would expect, these kinds of events require a more formal attire. That’s why I was caught off guard when three female individuals mosied into the auditorium (late, might I add). One of whom was dressed as a clown, literally, and the other two wore bright, yellow shirts.

Being an event full of college students, this gathered quite the amount of attention.

Then I recognized a face that I had only seen on social media. It was my buddy’s sister not but 100 feet in front of me…

Even though I had never met her before, I knew their parents well. It was an automatic “in” if you will. After the concert had ended, I made my way up to this family to “engage” in conversation.

*cough*

I never expected anything to come out of that conversation. I promise you. I simply wanted to know why my friend’s mom had come to a formal concert dressed as a clown. Was it a prank? Was it a desperate attempt to gain attention?

What happened, though, was the immediate connection of two souls who had, years before, been set on a collision course.

Her mom introduced us, a week later we began chatting on social media, and the rest is history.

Our relationship moved very quickly. We were two individuals who experienced the same struggles, same thoughts about relationships, and who had been single for a very long time.

All the puzzle pieces fit…I had been told all of my life that when I met the “one” that I would “know”. All of the pieces would fit and I wouldn’t have to do a thing. I wouldn’t have to force emotions or force reciprocation. It would just “happen”.

Boy did it ever.

I caught myself on many occasions looking over at her beautiful face and thinking, “Is this real?” She was so sweet. To top it all off, she wanted to spend time with me.

It sounds odd to say that, but if you knew some of what I had experienced, you would understand. Here’s another human being, who has no reason to stick with me, that is choosing to stay with me.

It blew my mind.

Unfortunately, my anxiety took hold early on. I felt like I was out of control. It was beautiful and terrifying. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but every word that came out of her mouth oozed desire.

She wanted me and I wanted her.

We had always been open with our conversation with each other. We were also in similar positions in life…A couple of years separated us, but she wanted to settle down in life. I had been wanting to settle down since I had my third-grade crush.

A match made in heaven.

It’s no surprise then that we began discussing our future together. We had only been together a few months, but both of us “knew”. Why prolong the inevitable if you “knew”?

She had a few conditions she wanted to meet before we seriously began pursuing marriage. I was perfectly fine with it, so I waited. We grew in our love for each other…The beginning of something beautiful.

I wasn’t perfect, but I loved her. I tried to show it the best way that I could, but so many things from my past began resurfacing. I could tell it was taking a toll on her, but she had always been so patient and understanding.

We sat in her basement one night after watching a movie with her family and the conversation turned serious (as most conversations with me will).

It had been a little while since we discussed marriage and I wanted to see if she had changed her mind.

Thankfully, she hadn’t.

In fact, she told me something that still haunts me today. It was one of the sweetest things I had ever heard someone say.

“In my head and in my heart, I’m ready to marry you. I just want to fulfill my conditions first.”

I was taken aback. She had never communicated it so clearly and convincingly. I was ecstatic and sort of in shock.

Imagine my shock, then, when she ended our relationship four days later.