Confessions

Breathless.

Quite honestly I didn’t know what to think or believe.

“Is this really happening right now?”

“I thought we were good?”

“Yeah, we have our issues, but it was this bad?”

“How come she never told me?”

I tried to interject on multiple occasions. I was met with heavy resistance.

I tried to understand why she thought it best to do this over the phone while I was at work. I was met with cowardice.

I tried to explain that I loved her and was willing to change what I could. I was met with anger.

It’s no secret that I’m not perfect. I’ll be the first and the last one to admit it. Part of me knew what she was saying was right. I knew I had issues with being controlling. I knew I had severe anxiety. I knew that I could be intense sometimes. I had been etching away at these things for years.

I realized that my desire to control relationships was out of a fear that they would inevitably leave me. I loved this girl. Why would I want her to leave? Unfortunately, my desire to keep her produced the very effect I was attempting to avoid.

I also understand I’m romanticizing my downfalls. Let me clear it up: I loathe these things about me. I can blame severe anxiety, I can blame a lack of trust, but I know at the end of the day that this is not the person that I want to be. Unfortunately, major change doesn’t happen overnight.

It wasn’t that she was breaking up with me that hurt me so deeply. It wasn’t even the reasons she listed..It was the “how” and the way she said what she did.

It’s been months and her words still cut like a knife.

Maybe that’s what she wanted? Maybe she felt like the only thing that could get through to me was an extreme measure. She said she “hinted” at issues before, but how can I know what to do if something isn’t clearly laid out in front of me?

I’m sorry, but that’s just not me.

Maybe there are mind readers out there who can pick up on minuscule details that are vaguely laid out on the whim, but I can’t.

Add that to the ever growing list of what’s wrong with me, I guess.

I won’t deny the issues that were presented. Her accusations were just and I can see how they would have presented frustrations and stress. I’ve spent months toiling over her words and I realized there’s always merit to some criticism, even if poorly constructed or wrongly placed.

Here’s where my pain comes in:

She said she loved me. She said she wanted to marry me.

Then four days later she was gone.

I’m a literal kind of person. I take what you say at face value. What you say is obviously what you meant.

So, how come she said that and still chose to walk away?

A misplaced understanding of love? Saying the right things in the moment because you feel pressured? Feeling like you have to say something because silence sucks?

Whatever the justification, it still amounts to a lie. Why not present the issues in full? Why not communicate your frustrations and give me a legitimate chance to grow?

I will never understand how anyone can, with growing issues in the back of their mind, still look at someone and pretend everything is ok. How is that love? How is that fair?

I’ve been told that Love is patient, kind, gentle, does not hold a record of wrongs..etc…Of which, I am rarely any of those things. Who is?

But how come that standard is only held to me? How come that Scripture is tossed in my face but isn’t clearly viewed through the lens of their own personal mirror?

I’m being honest when I tell you that I’m dealing with my demons. No matter how much I want to hate her and disprove everything she said, being confident in the maturity I have, I know she has to be right somewhere.

So, I deal with what I feel is the real issue. I then try to forget the rest. How can you when the words were so cutting and so deep, though?

You’re controlling.

The medicine won’t fix you or make you normal…

Some people never change…

I’m tired of the constant stress, anxiety, and difficulty you put on this relationship.

Haunting.

I lose sleep more often than I wish to admit. How am I letting a girl who I knew for the span of a few months leave such an impact on me? She certainly has no power to do so other than what I give her.

Then I realized it:

She was the culmination of my dreams. A beautiful girl with a sweet soul who actually cared about me. She showed me such in ways that I never had before. Then she told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

Who wouldn’t be crushed if that person walked out of their life in the way that she did?

To be honest, I feel like she died. One second she was here, and then the next she was gone. There was no bringing her back. At this point, I have zero desire to ever pursue such a thing again with her if that day ever showed up.

I loved her. I wasn’t perfect and I made a lot of mistakes. I’m beginning to feel more comfortable and confident in saying that so did she.

It’s unfortunate she’s not the only one who has to live with the consequences of her decision.