Confessions

Communication can be broken down into two phases: talking and listening. For communication to happen, one must speak. In order for one to respond, they must listen. This has been the law of the land since the beginning of mankind. From that same beginning, another law was written into the fabric of human nature: struggle.

This “struggle” is something every living human on earth has in common. It can be self-inflicted. It can also be wrought upon us by circumstances beyond our control. Yet, the older I get, the more aware I become that it is something we rarely live in together.

We talk about a lot of things – jobs, kids, future hopes, plans for the weekend, sports, hobbies, etc…But have you noticed how the atmosphere of a conversation changes? It can shift once you enter into the foray of life’s most challenging distinctions.

There are many who welcome these shifts. Far too often, though, we refuse it. After pondering this, here are five reasons why we don’t talk about the hard things…and four reasons why that should change.

1. We don’t know how

More often than not, this is the primary reason we avoid discussing the hard things. How do you put words to deep pain? How do you wrestle with the angst of unresolved tension in your life while feeling the pressure to offer a solution? In other words, how do you expect someone else to fix a problem you can’t even identify?

On the transverse, we’re terrible listeners. The internet, social media, and capitalistic propaganda have gaslit us all to believe in FOMO (“fear of missing out” for my fellow “uneducated in modern day slang” friends). This FOMO breeds a contempt for the spaces in which hard conversations take place. On a larger scale, it cultivates the attitude that we only have the resources necessary to keep ourselves afloat. It’s an environment that thrives on quick and convenient solutions, rather than quiet and reflective questions. There’s no room for disruptions, let alone disruptions without answers.

2. We don’t want to be a burden

Everyone has “stuff”. Why would we bother them with ours? Wouldn’t that be selfish? Of course not. But it depends on the metric you use to evaluate life and its purpose. Is life meant for isolation or community? For inner strength, or selfless sacrifice?

3. We don’t have the time

Life moves with the fervor of a space-bound comet streaking through the sky. How can you delve into the psychological framework of your trauma when you don’t have the time to tie your shoes? The reality is simple: doing the hard work of healing requires immeasurable amounts of time. For most of us, that isn’t a sacrifice we’re willing to make. At what cost, though?

4. We don’t believe in It

Ah, yes. My favorite type. This is the belief system that lets you share your struggle once…twice if you catch them on a good day. After that, the usual sentiments fly…”Well, if you would have listened to me the first time…” “It’s all in your head…” “It’s not as bad as you think it is…” “Just think of how other people have it worse than you…”

I think these people are few (how I continue to find them is beyond me), but they exist. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back to work. Have you ever seen the video of the boy digging with his grandpa? It summarizes my point perfectly.

“I’m tired, grandpa!”

“That’s too d*** bad!”

5. We don’t care

At one time or another, apathy has underscored even our sincerest efforts to be a friendly shoulder. That’s not what is meant here. This is a heart posture bent towards preoccupation with oneself. It’s a disregard for the suffering of others by way of reasons #1 (I’d add that they don’t care to know how, either), #3, and #4. It’s the worst of humanity. At least the #4 folks take the time to respond.

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I’d give you the typical “4 ways to change your life…#3 will surprise you” bit, but I wanted to be different. You see, I don’t believe that our hearts change simply because we were given 3 easy steps to…blah blah blah. I believe our hearts change when we establish why they should change in the first place. So, here’s four reasons why we should start talking about the hard things.

1. We all Experience it

There’s no hiding from it (try as you might #4’s). Every one of us has experienced life-shaking, faith-breaking, soul-sucking circumstances in our lives. We’ve all been to the bottom of the rock, isolated, and confused. Why do we pretend we’re the only ones and that if we ever outed ourselves, we’d be left even more alone? It’s a crumbling facade.

2. Pretending It doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away

Sometimes it’s easier to push it down and pretend that our grief isn’t real. We don’t have the answers, therefore we shouldn’t focus on it. We can’t be a burden, therefore, we have to maintain our facade. I’ve done those things, and more, in my quest to save face. Deep down, though, repressing my experiences, pains, and to some extents, trauma, has only served to expedite greater pain.

Refusing to heal what has been done to us, or what we’ve done to others only creates a vicious cycle. “Hurt people hurt people.” It’s true. When we choose to hold on to bitterness, pain, unforgiveness, we’re choosing to hold on to things that we weren’t created to hold on to. The side effects are many…

Some of us aren’t “talkers” and that’s ok. However, that doesn’t justify keeping it to ourselves and allowing it to fester. We’ve got to find ways to heal because pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away.

3. Someone Else Needs Your Healing

This one is for the times we find ourselves listening. Who are we to refuse someone who’s hurting? I believe that God allows us to hurt, heals His children over time, and then uses that very same destructive event to be someone else’s saving grace. Ever talk to someone who’s been through what you’re going through? Ever hear them tell you exactly what you needed to hear because they learned it the hard way? Have you ever been that person to say, “Yes, I’ve been there. Let me help you…”?

To refuse to be a loving shoulder for someone is to refuse God’s purpose for humanity. To refuse someone is to say that God can’t use your story. Even worse – that you don’t want Him to. Someone out there needs the healing we’ve experienced. Who are you to keep that from them?

4. It takes the focus off of yourself

Look…I get it. It’s a novel idea. One that some label naive. It ultimately boils down to your belief system…Yes, in God, the purpose of your life, etc…Personally, despite my nature, I believe that our lives are not meant for ourselves. You can see that highlighted above. God did not create us to live out our short lives focusing on our needs, wants, and livelihoods. He modeled this through the life of His Son, Jesus.

Look around you. We’re all focusing on ourselves, our agendas, our futures. How is the world doing? Are we better off as isolated, narcissists? Or does the world function better when we rally around something (someone) greater than ourselves?

Mark 12:31a “Love your neighbor as yourself…”

John 15:13 “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”

This isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list. The conversation can, and should go on. I hope it’s challenging for you, especially if you’re reading this and are a Christian. Sometimes I find that we are the greatest offenders in this area. Take some time today to slow down and talk about what is hurting you. If you’re in a good place, take some time to slow down and love someone else. It’s literally what we were created for.

You are loved.

You are valued.