Confessions

I’m trying to find the words to write to you, but I’m struggling because today is one of those days where I feel stuck inside of myself.

I woke up facing an internal battle after yet another night of weird dreams, anxious sleep, and an overall “hungover” kind of feeling. I’m tired, but who isn’t nowadays?

I’ve been reading blogs this morning, and in natural form, your posts have inspired some deeper thinking. I can’t get away from this longing to disappear, to run away.

Amber, a newfound friend, wrote an exceptional post on this topic that stirred my mind. You can find her article here: Growing Pains & Stretch Marks

We all experience, at some point, a longing to go back to what we may deem “the good ‘ole days.” This may not be the case for all of us, but for most, I can assume we could quickly pinpoint a specific time in which life was easy, carefree, and weightless.

Our ignorance shielded us from the unknown. Our innocence was a defense against pain.

I specifically recall my childhood. I spend many days retreading through favored memories; smiling, wishing to have another chance to relive some of those moments.

Especially now.

Pain and grief have an unsettling way of knocking on your door and then proceeding to enter even if they weren’t necessarily welcomed. Then again, who willingly welcomes either of them into your house anyway?

They kind of barge in unexpectedly.

I’m at a point right now where my faith and my trust in God are the only things I’m clinging onto. I don’t have any words. I don’t have anything wise to say. People ask me how I’m doing and I with saying that I’m fine.

It’s not out of this desire to be intentionally mysterious with my emotions or to drag them into asking further. I’m being honest…I’m just fine.

It’s when they ask me about my grandfather that gets to me.

At that point, I can only shrug and come up with an answer that I feel is appropriate. Not too honest because I’ll break down, but not too dishonest because I hate lying.

I hear about death now and I can’t even muster up an emotional response. I want to, and I try, but I can’t.

All that I can say about it is, “I understand.” I’m not coming from a place of strength so I can’t really go any further than that.

In all reality, I’m coming from a desperate place of clinging on to what Jesus says about pain.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Jesus, save my spirit.

It’s in this moment that I wish that I could go back about 15 years. Back when he was healthy, back when we always teased my Grandma about being a Florida State fan.

I wish I could just go back and relive it.

I’m fighting an inner battle right now as I type this. There are no edits. There are no cutbacks. What you’re reading is what’s pouring out of my heart and mind right now.

I’m fighting to trust in what I know over what I feel. I’m also trying to avoid beating myself up for being emotionally tossed about. I’m also trying to be strong so that I can do my job without being seen as a liability.

I feel like the waves in the middle of a storm. I feel like I might drown when that final bolt of lightning strikes.

All the while, though, I feel safe because I know Jesus is with me. I feel safe because I know that Jesus feels this pain.

He knows.

He knows.

He knows.

My family needs your prayers and support. He’s not just our grandfather, he’s our best friend. He’s a dad. He’s a husband.

If you’re going through something similar, or something worse, don’t feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m here. I want to help. Contact me. confessionsmalin@gmail.com

Don’t you ever forget that You are loved.

You are valued.